If you are anything like me -- a sports addict who has watched the scoreboard ticker instead of the game and compulsively refreshed ESPN.com every two seconds for the past three years -- then you are beginning to get sick of fantasy sports.
Sure, I just completed my fantasy baseball draft, and finished second in my football league (if it wasn't for Larry Johnson it would have been first), but somewhere along the way the line between fantasy and sports blurred.
I'm from Buffalo, and having lived here all 21 years of my life, I have developed a great appreciation for everything Bills-related. Growing up, my grandpa had season tickets, and my sister and I would trade off going to the games.
Things were much simpler then. I can no longer root for my favorite teams without thinking in the back of my mind about what the repercussions might be on my fantasy teams.
This year I had my own Bills season tickets. As I watched the team play the Denver Broncos, I found myself thinking, "Well, I started Jake Plummer today, so I want the Bills to win, but let's see the defense give up some points."
And yet I have another side; I am also a compulsive gambler.
This persona went to Las Vegas and won $400 at Black Jack, but couldn't stop and wound up losing it all. This side of me considers fantasy sports to be the greatest invention since jalape?+/-o-stuffed hotdogs. Where else could my knowledge of trivial sports information net me a cool $200?
As baseball season rolled around, I was determined not to join a fantasy league, allowing myself to watch the games in peace. However, after realizing that a 162-game season could become a little tedious without money on the line, I joined a fantasy baseball league with some friends, and we each paid $20 for a franchise.
Before the draft began, I laid down some ground rules for myself. As a loyal member of the "Dark Side" I bow to the altar of Steinbrenner, so under no circumstance could I draft any player from the Boston Red Sox. This includes Johnny Damon, whom I refuse to admit is a Yankee.
Secondly, I tried to stay away from players who are affiliated with any American League East team. This was a tad trickier because the Tampa Bay Devil Rays appear to have a monopoly on young talented players.
The third rule is self-explanatory: I drafted as many Yankees and former Yankees as possible. This way I could root for the Yankees as well as my fantasy team, allowing me to have my cake and eat it too.
If the Yankees do well, my fantasy team does well. I took Jason Giambi, Jorge Posada, Alfonso Soriano, and Garry Sheffield. I must warn you though: be careful with this rule. For example, if you're a fan of the Pittsburgh Pirates, you might want to shy away from your hometown players. If you draft Jason Bay and all of the Wilson brothers, the real team will struggle. This will cause your fantasy team to struggle, therefore causing you to lose money and will send you into a downward spiral of depression and drunkenness.
Trust me, this would not be good.
My fourth rule was to draft Barry Bonds. With an everyday lineup of Giambi, Sheffield, and Bonds, I had to change my name from "I'm Gonna Win," to the "Bay Area Back Acnes." I also have Sammy Sosa sitting on the bench in case he decides to come out of retirement.
Since the fantasy scene has become more fashionable in popular culture, new shows such as fantasy "American Idol" and fantasy "Survivor" (my pick is Kelly Pickler in "Idol" by the way) have emerged. Who knows where the next generation of bastardized sports will show up next.
Photo: Courtesy of Laron Fomby
