Pull-string talkie

In honor of the McSweeney's humor column, which occasionally posts lists of random possibilities, I've assembled my own little gaggle of ideas. Here they are, in unabashed bullet form.

What I learned from playing Electronic Arts' Simulation Game, "The Sims:"

• Men can get pregnant; you just have to make one stare into a telescope for a really long time so he can be abducted by aliens.
  
• You cannot kill a dorm mate that does not belong to you, even if you move him to a remote area, trap him in a circle of shrubs, and light a large bonfire.
  
• If you're dumb and attending college, clear out your dorm room, buy a double bed, and sleep with all of your professors. You'll be guaranteed an A.
  
• If your house is dirty, just buy lots of expensive statues to improve the atmosphere.
  
• Don't let the morale in your home get too low, or a crying Italian clown will come to your house and refuse to leave. Same goes with French mimes at boring parties.
  
• If life gets too real, cheat.
  
• Even the college station plays the same five songs over and over again.
  

Titles for Bright Eyes Songs If They Were to Take Words from Previous Songs and Scramble Them Around:

• "One Foot in a Poison Urn"
  
• "A Bowl of Crossed Paint, You?"
  
• "The Vague Calendar That Allows Oranges Progress"
• "Landlocked, Travellin' Train Underwater"
  
• "I Like to Scream Things."
  

Places to Film Reality Shows:

• PTA conventions
  
• The zoo
  
• Sign language conventions


• Tim Horton's


• SA Senate Meetings

Warnings That the Surgeon General Should Put On McDonald's Food Wrappers:

• Warning: Contains Fat.


• Warning: You already exceeded your maximum calorie allowance during breakfast.


• Warning: You better not try to sue the corporation.


• Warning: Projectile sesame seeds contained within package.


• Warning: Don't try to find comfort solely in food. I've been down that path-it's a long and lonely journey.


• Warning: Burger King has better fries.

Things That Shouldn't Smell Good But Do:

• Windex


• Gasoline


• Dirt


• Onion rings


• Your own pee


• Acrylic paint


• Marijuana

Ways That People Have Pronounced My Last Name:

• "BellAAAYviuh."


• "BellAHHHviuh."


• "Bolivia."


• "Bellerisah."


• "Bilsilvia"

Way My Last Name Is Actually Pronounced:

• "Bell-uh-VEE-uh."

Recently Deceased People Who Should Not Be Made into Beanie Babies:

• Terry Schiavo


• Pope John Paul II

Deceased People That Should:

• Mitch Hedberg


• Johnnie Cochran (with a pull-string talkie featuring his best rhymes i.e. "If the glove doesn't fit, you must acquit.")

What the Pope's Name Would Be if He Were a Rapper:

• J. P. Deuce