As you may recall, last week I covered a few topics that I would like to see pondered or changed in the world, followed by a shout out to Pistons forward Rasheed Wallace.
There are a few more changes I'd like to make, and I guarantee that steroids, SUVs and Mark Kelso will all be covered in full.
Baseball players doing steroids.
Is it possible? Yes. Is it probable? Maybe. Is it going to be fun watching me try to prove that my beloved former Cubbie, Sammy Sosa, did not use 'roids? Incredibly.
People do a lot of talking about how professional athletes leave one year and come back weighing a lot more and looking ridiculously jacked. While I am not going to say that they don't use steroids, I would like to point out something remarkably possible.
Maybe they work out a lot.
Picture this: your job is to be a physically toned machine. No other job. You don't have to bus tables, take classes, train zebras and squeeze in time to work out. From the moment you wake up, your sole job is to find a couple hours to train in between Sportscenter, Sportscenter, bratwurst and Sportscenter.
So why is it so hard to believe that Slammin' Samuel was like, "Baseball could be very, very good to me if I got jacked and rocketed 60-70 jacks out of Wrigley."
That is why, starting next Tuesday after the first Spectrum intramural basketball game, I will be working out six days a week for the next five months, to simulate a Major League Baseball off-season. I weigh 150 pounds of bones in a bag right now. I'll keep you, and modern science, posted.
The "clear" and the "cream?" Nope, the beer and the dream.
Get rid of private high schools
Now, rumor has it that us white people have been trying to level the playing field for years, which is funny because if that was the case, why would we be charging a whole lot of tuition to go to a school that will enable our children to get into the best colleges, therefore staying on top?
That's why I propose eliminating private high schools. I am all for private schools in the elementary and middle school level, but once a student has reached the ninth grade, it would be time for the great equalizer.
It would become the responsibility of the Department of Education to spread teachers, as well as funds, around to all public schools.
You can still buy your kids SUVs, SAT preparation courses, cocaine, Furbies, slap bracelets, Pogs, Magic: the Gathering cards, and whatever else is popular this month, but leave the admission to Cal for everyone.
Unless, of course, you are nervous that someone is smarter than your kids.
The New England Patriots are one horrible dynasty
Three out of four Super Bowls, never mind that they missed the playoffs the year they didn't win, qualifies the New England Patriots as a dynasty. That is, of course, a dynasty in sports terms, because Bill Belichick certainly hasn't established an era with so many philosophies that historians called it the Hundred Schools of Thought. Nope, that was China.
Yet, as far as sports dynasties go, they are one. This is the salary cap era. That said, they are the worst, most boring dynasty of all time. The Montreal Canadiens stomped teams so bad in the late fifties that they never had a team push them to a Game Seven in a playoff series. Some teams actually died rather than play the Pittsburgh Steelers in the 1970s.
New England barely beat a team whose quarterback, Donovan McNabb, was literally dry-heaving all over the field after a possible concussion and "Fred Ex" Mitchell was calling the plays. A man who couldn't summon up enough bile up to vomit properly threw a 30-yard touchdown pass against them.
The Patriots are a terrific team. They stomped the Colts, no matter what the home field looked like, and took care of the only 15-1 team in AFC history. They did it all without any defensive backs. Mark Kelso was seriously looking like an intriguing option to defensive coordinator Romeo Crennel, who, at one point, called Lou Brown from Major League to see how he did it.
But one of the better dynasties? Nay.
Lastly, in true homer mode, when the Buffalo Bills went to four consecutive Super Bowls in the early 1990s, they humiliated teams on their way. To go to Super Bowl XXV, the Bills beat the Los Angeles Raiders, 51-3.
Bo didn't know much about the Biscuit.
Hard to debate fact of the week
Getting a tattoo on your face seriously hurts your chances with the ladies.
