Thanksfornothing 2004

I like most of my family.

I mean I love my family. I just don't like all of them. Especially at the holidays.

Face it; every year we gather this third week of November for a feast of unforgiving proportions, and for what real reason? For the sake of expressing our love and adoration of each other? For thanking ourselves for the systemic displacement of the Native Americans? (Well, yes, actually.)

Is it ever really to say "Thank you?" though? Thank you for not giving a crap about me during the rest of the year, yet expressing your gratitude toward me this third November Thursday? Thank you for flying into town, ruining our humdrum family life and skipping away before all the dust has settled from your masterfully destructive visit?

Oh gee, thanks a lot.

No, there's no easy way to say it. When you have to spend time with your family, especially those out-of-towners who make it their dutiful task to drop in and dole out advice, unexpected and unsolicited, it just doesn't make sense to be thankful for much. Because if we can't all be happy on Thanksgiving, then damnit, when are we?

There's more to be thankful for than we all realize, perhaps. And if it can't be for these other similarly looking people with whom we unfortunately share strands of DNA, then it can at least be for the following:

Thank you to President Bush, for reminding us that being president means more than just going to war without cause. It's also about talking English good.

Thank you to Oprah Winfrey, for not only giving out free automobiles to your audience members on her season premiere, but for telling every audience member since that they wouldn't be getting a free Pontiac. Also, thank you for being so rich. We love you for that.

Thank you to Wegmans, whose convention center display center is not only full of all the Christmas cheer you'd ever want to stomach, but who gives us non-Christ-loving Jewish folk (we celebrate Jewish Christmas, for those unaware of our "little customs") a cute shelf toward bulk food with a motorcycle-shaped menorah. I can't wait to light that on fire this Hanukkah.

Thank you to Michael Jackson. Always good for a laugh. You kill me, Mike.

Thank you to VH1, for replacing MTV as the go-to network for lazy, out-of-work, out-of-shape, out-of-fashion television whores. My friends and I thank you.

Thank you to TiVo, for recording VH1 for me.

Thank you to Jerry Seinfeld, for reuniting your "Seinfeld" cast members this Thanksgiving night. Tell your other friends they should stop making sitcoms. I'd rather watch "Joey." In Spanish.

Thank you to UB, for not only making gen-ed requirements so easy to follow, but also for not changing them every month. Really, I mean it. Thank you.

Thank you to Oprah, again. Why? Why not.

Thank you to the Academy, for giving me the Oscar in the year 2015 for the "feel-good hit of the season" screenplay I am going to write about my insane family.

Thank you to my family, for enjoying the movie. Don't worry, it's not about you.

Thank you to Britney Spears, for not only inspiring us all with your luscious floetry, sultry dance moves and carefully thought-out life decisions, but for the, like, totally awesome poem you wrote about your honeymoon with Kevin Federnotgonnalasttillspring. Seriously, that is, like, sooooo sweet. Awwww...

Thank you to my creditors, for taking me off your call lists. Seriously, I don't know why you haven't called. I haven't paid my bills yet.

Thank you to all UB-sponsored food-service eateries, for not only charging me $24 for half a ham and cheese sandwich, but for adding $17 for the diet coke and bag of chips. And for the digital camera I won't win because of it. If I wanted food that cheap I'd eat on the New York State Thruway.

Thank you to all the bread of the world, for making such great stuffing. Every year, I hope you deliver, and every year you do.

And thank you to all who read this until the end. I hope you make it through the weekend alive. I hope you all take time to wish each other Happy Thanksfornothing. I hope you get the big end of the wish bone, pass out at the table from the serotonin in your turkey, take a look around the dinner table at your family, wonder where you came from, where they came from, and think to yourself: the holidays are just around the corner.

Jewish-Christmas, here I come.