My best friend in elementary school was a weasel named Mike. We played after school together almost every day, but sometimes he did things that made me question his loyalty.
He pretended not to know my name when dining with the cooler kids at lunch; he shared with math class the unfortunate eyebrow-shaving incident of 1987 (it was a dare, okay?); he even called my haircut "faggy."
I mean, it was. But that's not the point.
He was, and is, my best friend, though only through a cosmic accident: We were neighbors. As much as I love the kid, there's nothing about him that I would have normally been attracted to in a best friend. The differences between us were far too numerous for us to have been friends on our own accord. He's a jock; I don't like wearing sweats. He's book-smart; I watch the Discovery Channel. He's a ladies man; I - well, read my last column for that one.
Still, having shared in the bond of growing up across the street from each other, having siblings close in age and parents with similar backgrounds, we were drawn to each other like moths to a wind-blown flame.
When it counted, we had each other's backs. But making a friend like Mike is a one-of-a-kind occurrence.
I, along with thousands of other UB students, joined the latest UB fad this month when I registered for the Facebook, in hopes of once again flying toward that flame of friendship. The majillionth Friendster clone to infiltrate college campuses this week, the Facebook offers online space for pictures, personal profiles and message-based communication.
It's like a decorated dorm room door without the hideous RA-supplied cutout names. Or the away messages. "At breakfast. Crazy night last night. Call me Alexa. Later."
Shut up. Alexa doesn't like you anyway.
I was told of this Facebook by a friend here in the office. He was as excited to get us all signed up, just as a child would be meeting Santa at the mall. "You all gotta sign up! It's gonna be great! Do it now! Ahhhh!!!!" he said.
So I signed up. First I chose the pictures I wanted to represent my Brad Pitt-like exterior, if Brad Pitt were what the lady who sold me my suits as a child referred to as "husky." I uploaded a picture of a young family dressed as bears in what looks like a Sears studio portrait. Surely, no picture of me will look worse than this.
Next, it was profile time. Hmmm. What do I want complete strangers to know about me, so that they'll fall in love with my abundant charm, aforementioned huskily good looks, and keen interest in "anything written by David Sedaris"?
"Reruns of 'Roseanne,' dewy April mornings, Garnier Fructis shampoo."
It was fun to design the ideal me. I didn't have to say I listened to Queen, but why should this cyber-copy of me not be an honest depiction? Maybe a future BFF out there also appreciates Queen for more than "Bohemian Rhapsody." On the other hand, should I really tell everyone that I'm a diabetic? That's not at all fun to read about. Would that earn me brownie points? (I hope it wouldn't. Diabetics shouldn't eat brownies.)
So there I was: the ideal me.
As the next two days wore on, I forgot about the Facebook; that is, until I got a request from a stranger to be their friend. Stranger Danger, I thought.
What do I do? Where do I go? How am I to handle this odd but nonetheless flattering request? And one more thing... Who the heck is Kai Bih?
I did what everyone else I knew did: I confirmed Kai Bih as my friend. None of us know who he is, what he does, not even how many of his 104 online friends actually realize their apparent friendship.
Who has 104 friends? I don't! On the Facebook alone, I have 24, and that's including all of the peripheral acquaintances that are friends of friends of friends and so on and so forth.
I thought back, as I perused his profile ("Anything by Nicholas Sparks," it says), how is it so easy to just point and click and POOF! I have a new friend!
If only it were that easy in Kindergarten. If only Mike hadn't "forgotten" my name in large group gatherings. If only my haircut wasn't faggy.
If only I knew who the heck Kai Bih was!
