Let me preface this by saying I keep pretty abreast on politics, and I realize how imperative it is that everyone get out and vote, and in my opinion, not re-elect the worst president in my lifetime - yes, out of all four.
Yet when I read Kerry versus Bush, I pretty much always think Chicago Cubs' ace Kerry Wood versus Grand L. Bush. Yeah, that's right. Balrog from Street Fighter the movie.
Now that would be a showdown. Wood has nasty heat, but Balrog was a boss. A boss. As a diehard Cubs fan, I have to think Wood would sit him down, especially when you take into account that Balrog's support in the batting order would be Raul Julia leading off and Kylie Minogue in the 3 hole. Van Damme was clearly a clean-up hitter.
Speaking of clean-up hitters, how did Pedro Cerrano ever end up in the big leagues? What was the rationale there? Who was the Indians' head scout? Donald Rumsfeld? As we learned quickly into the first installment of the "Major League" "thrillogy," he couldn't hit a curveball. Did this escape manager Lou Brown in the off-season as his alter ego, actor James Gammon, prepared for the role of Dr. Sturgeon the Cadillac Surgeon in 1990's "Coupe De Ville?"
In other "when brilliant minds do stupid things" news, after catching the magnificence that is Tim Burton's "Big Fish" for the third time, this time at the Super Saver, an old debate was rekindled in my mind. The man behind the two best "Batman" films, "Beetlejuice" and "Sleepy Hollow" - and currently working on a remake of "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" starring Johnny Depp - was also responsible for "Mars Attacks," a film that was horrible despite having a cast that included Martin Short, Jack Nicholson, Natalie Portman and Tom Jones.
Call it the "De Niro/Bullwinkle Effect."
One of De Niro's most underrated roles had to be as Arthur Lustig in the 1998 adaptation of Charles Dickens' "Great Expectations." Moreover, the film has to be one of the more underrated of the late 1990s. Everything about the film meets the criteria of fine work often overlooked.
Both Chris Cooper ("Adaptation," "American Beauty") and Hank Azaria ("Along Came Polly") do a wonderful job as lesser characters, particularly the striking scene in which Cooper, as Joe, embarrasses Ethan Hawke's Finn at his opening - Dickens's Pip was rewritten as art prodigy Finn - and stumbles back to his hotel, choking back tears.
Hawke has pretty much been brilliant in that kind of role. His Hamlet in Michael Almereyda's 2000 reworking of the classic Shakespearean tragedy was nothing less than wonderful and, while not a reworking of a classic, his portrayal of Jess Newton in "the Newton Boys" was great as well.
How do you tell one of your friends that he is really smelly? It's such a task, especially if you've mentioned it before and they have some sort of exercise-ish thing to blame it on. Smelly is such a great word. Always makes me think of the teacher in Big Daddy. "Oh, I've had some smelly ones in my day, but your boy takes the cake."
I have to agree with Tim Meehan and his scarf/jean jacket combo in the latest issue of Generation with his approval of the Beastie Boys' "Hello Nasty." From "Electrify" to "the Negotiation Limerick File," it showcases the hip-hop legends with some of their wittiest rhymes. I can't even begin to put my excitement for their upcoming LP, "To the 5 Boroughs" into print, but I can say that I hope it is a whole lot better than last year's single, "In A World Gone Mad." Talk about the "De Niro/Bullwinkle Effect" in full force.
Conversely, Michael Torsell's labeling of Pearl Jam's "Ten" as one of "5 Albums I Hate That I Loved" and his calling of Pearl Jam as a "second rate grunge act" is deplorable. Sure, Pearl Jam's best work was later to come, but second rate to whom? Nirvana? Laughable. Alice In Chains? Absolutely not.
Now we've hit the bane of popular music. Alice In Chains somehow gains acclaim for writing the same song 467,892,346,729 times and Nirvana is lauded for writing really simple songs. I really think if it wasn't for beginner guitar players being able to learn "Lithium" in 10 minutes, no one would truly miss Nirvana. The Foo Fighters became 10 times the band Nirvana was. You also can't end paragraphs with a comma.
Actually, I bet Gary Busey could. "I'm With Busey" was by far the apex of television comedy. Frankly I'm turned off to original comedy from here-on-in, because it could not possibly reach the heights that Busey did. I'm going to stick to syndicated television and Sabres hockey until I hear the words "World's," "most," "horrendous," "jump-roping" and "accidents" together in one show.
After eight years of waiting, I finally saw Richard Buckner live at the Mohawk Place last Wednesday. The coolest part of the evening, however, was how excited I got as I saw ex-members of Buffalo's own Elad Love Affair meeting up with their old touring mates, Elementary Thought Process. As they exchanged hugs and smiles, it reminded me of the great bonds forged via touring.
Can you imagine a quicker process for becoming close-knit than traveling to distant cities, not showering for days at a time, sharing blankets and suffering through starvation together? Absolutely not, unless of course you live in a sitcom, where bonds are forged in only the fastest of fashions.
One thing that always bothered me about "Saved By The Bell" was the short-sightedness of their plots. The episode where Zack starts dating a wheelchair-bound beauty is a prime example. In order to "spread awareness," Zack organizes a wheelchair basketball game during which all his friends take to the horseless chariots. At the end of the game, they all get out of their wheelchairs and freeze-frame in typical "end of show orgasm" form.
Something is missing though. Essentially the cast is saying, "man it was great playing wheelchair basketball for an hour, but we're sure glad we can walk." Yeah, that's great Zack, but I think the sound waves emitting from your Alamo-sized cordless phone have mutated your perception of situational ethics.
I'd like to think that right after that freeze-frame, a giant, faster than the speed of sound buzzsaw zipped by about 2 feet off the ground and eliminated their legs.
While we're on the topic of dismemberment, I was thinking about crushing cinematic moments in my early years. Right alongside mini-Gordon Bombay cranking his triple-deke off the post in the early moments of "the Mighty Ducks" is when I thought the Wolfman was destroyed in "the Monster Squad." His body had exploded and been blown into probably a thousand pieces, but because of no silver bullet, it pulled itself back together.
I can remember being horrified. The kids thought he was dead! How would they possibly be prepared for the inevitable reappearance?
I guess what I've been trying to say for the last 1,200 words is, well, a heartfelt thank you to Attention Deficit Disorder for what is sure to be a great ninth and final semester of school next fall.
Photo: Courtesy of Laron Fomby
