UB Students Getting 'Haused'

Hey look, a dead horse.

With the figures finally released regarding the prices for "talent" at SA's "Fests," I did a little dance, swallowed my own vomit and prepared for a job I only wish I could be granted - the job that now belongs to Maggie Hausbeck, SA Entertainment director.

Taking the middle figure of The Spectrum's anticipated talent cost for MTV's Campus Invasion Tour, the tour featuring Hoobastank, Ima Robot and Lostprophets that comprises SA's Spring Fest 2004, this hypothetical budget consists of the $32,000 spent on Springfest and the $210,000 spent on Godsmack, Lil'Kim and Nas for Fallfest 2003.

$242,000.

Not adjusting for inflation - I believe SA adjusted for the inflation of the year 2067 - if you were to reawaken Bobby Orr, he could play almost seven seasons of defense for the Sabres based on his 1967-68 salary of $35,000.

Alas, we're talking concerts. Using the patented Amazing Mendola Method of multiplying a venue's capacity by the cost of admission price, we can get a rough estimate of how much bands charge to play a show - i.e. "talent cost."

This figure also takes into account the anticipated profit a promoter wants to make on the show, so we don't have to worry about increasing our figures to make up for the outlandish fees paid to bands to make sure they will play a college show (Experts estimate that universities pay at least twice the sum that bands normally get).

Seeing as SA apparently decided that one "Fest" was enough, by housing all their money in a "huge" Fall Fest, let's have a two-day fest next year and let's call it "Nicholas-Mendola-Is-More-Economical-Than-All-Of-UB-Fest."

First, let's cater to the hardcore and metal kids, because they need to practice dancing for my fest. Later this month Every Time I Die, As I Lay Dying, the Black Dahlia Murder and Scarlet will be playing the Continental to the tune of a $10 ticket. With the capacity of 500, that brings their Method price to $5,000. Book it! We still have the money for personal pan pizzas, too.

Shucks, now I only have $237,000 left to spend. Clearly, we're getting "Haused."

I guess I'll blow $40,000 on the Strokes. They are coming to the Dome Theater in Niagara Falls in May. With a capacity of 1,600 and a ticket price of $25, why not bring one of the most talked about bands in the world for $5? Then again, Shaggy...

Girls go to UB, right? Well, Dashboard Confessional is coming to my fest. With tourmates Thrice at the Dome Theater, I may have to shell out $38,400 but I may not be single by the end of the day.

Another expense that will be cheaper than this year's actual Springfest will be the addition of Thursday, Andrew W.K., Head Automatica (members of Glassjaw and the Movielife for some Long Island spice) and the Bronx. Sure, its $25,600, but it's a whole lot of rock. Its Andrew W.K. for the college partyfaces and Thursday for the screamo kids.

We've only spent $109,000, ladies and gentlemen.

I think to pony up $4,500 is fair for Death Cab For Cutie, don't you? Possibly the most sought-after band in the indie scene, they are playing Nietzsche's in April - a capacity of 300 with a lot of creativity involved - for $15. We'll even tack on tourmates Architecture in Helsinki, as they are part of the package.

This show just isn't heavy enough yet. So let's add the line-up for Rochester's WBER formal to the list. At the Water Street Music Hall, a capacity of 800, for $13, $10,400 would be enough to lure Snapcase, Cave In, Avenged Sevenfold, Nora, Alexis on Fire and My Chemical Romance. Seems like a good deal, but still not that heavy. Let's drop another $5,000 on the show at Xtreme Wheels (cap: 500, price: $10) that has Between the Buried and Me, Comeback Kid and Bleeding Through.

And Nas was worth the $70,000, 'cause I'm a slave to a page in his rhymebook.

Subtract the grand total of $198,900 from our initial figure of $243,000 and we've got enough for one beer for every student at UB.

Sure, I'd probably have to shell out a little extra money to get the bands to travel outside their schedule, but I might not have to, considering we're paying them so much more than their usual rate. Twenty-two acts may require a second stage, but we could always separate it into two fests. Details, details...

So, as I think back in time to winter 2002 when I ventured to Cloud 9 to see Hoobastank, Handsome Devil and Lostprophets for the low, low price of $3, I have to laugh.

In fact my pants are wet, because by our method, the 200-person capacity of the venue means that promoters expected to profit off of $600.

As Daniel Stein said to me earlier, "now that is lost profit."