I have a ridiculous habit of finding, and befriending, a wide array of people.
Let me tell you, I have a heat seeking radar for the Shady Guy - I can find him within a 50-mile radius. Needy Friends flock to me like a moth to a flame. And then there are the Canadians...
But far worse than any of these, I decided a couple weeks ago, is the Music Snob. I would say that at least 92 percent of my friends - including the Shadies, Needies and Canadians - are Music Snobs.
You know who I'm talking about.
He's the dude in the record store who buys vinyls instead of CDs because "that's the way music should be listened to."
She's the girl at a party who asks what kind of music you listen to, only so she can rattle her playlist, which consists solely of groups incoherent, nonsensical names - Mitre Saw. Smiling Earring. Department of Motor Vehicles.
He's the guy who writes about a band that 17 people have heard of - in his college newspaper, magazine, or better yet, his own e-zine - in one of two ways: Either this group will soon redefine the music as we know it, or they are such poor musicians that they should be locked in a room and kept from all instruments in order to protect society. Either way, he talks like everyone should not only know who they are, but also have researched the band's history and information including, but not limited to, the following:
1) Tour dates.
2) Band members' previous bands.
3) Bands that sound similar, but are still small enough that no one has ever heard of them.
4) Band members' blood types.
5) The band's record label and/or previous labels.
6) What it was like when they were still "underground," and before they "blew up."
"Those were the days," says the Music Snob. "Back when we could listen to Watermelon Cornucopia without all the hype."
Man, I hate the hype.
Their favorite question is inevitably, "Did you hear the latest (insert band name here) album?"
Warning: For the non-Music Snob, there is no correct answer to this. If you say no, you are musically deficient. And you seriously need to subscribe to his roommate's e-zine.
If you say yes, you must have the aforementioned six points of knowledge. And watch out; they quiz - a Music Snob never wants to look less knowledgeable than you.
So I decided that the best way to nix the hype is to immerse yourself in the Music Snob culture. Or at least pretend to.
So, let's get back to basics. You must stick to talking about bands that are only underground - and I mean really underground. You all heard that the best defense is a good offense? It's the same with this scheme, which I shall heretofore call Snob Elusion.
Please enjoy a sample of what will be a multi-volume self-help reference guide for non-Music Snobs.
Snob Elusion Made Simple
By ERIN SHULTZ
Music Aficionado
Step 1) Pick one (1) name from Column A, one (1) name from Column B.
|
Column A Glasses Triscuit Paper Bronze Murder Purple Cucumber |
Column B World Headliners Service St. Louis Cult Face of Tomorrow |
Step 2) This is your band. Talk about this band as if it were the best thing in the world. Express great disdain if you run into anyone who has not heard of your fictitious band. Example: "What do you listen to, Hoobastank? You seriously haven't heard of Cucumber World? Oh, they sound a lot like GlassesFace did, before they blew up. They were great before all the hype."
Man, I hate the hype.
