Giving your child a name may be the most important thing that you ever do in life.
Terrible, and I mean (cue the Bill Walton voice) terrible, mistakes in child naming have taken place over the years. Just take a look at Frank Zappa's children, Moon Unit 2 and Dweezil, or the plethora of athletes with names like Plaxico Burress and Willie Whitehead if you don't believe it.
Willie Whitehead? What were his parents thinking? It's bad enough to have a last name that's associated with grotesque acne, but then they had to throw salt in the wound by making his first name flow with the last.
This is probably the one case where an asinine first name would be suiting, just to take the attention off of the Whitehead thing. I'd even let the name Zanzibar slide, just to get poor Whitehead off the hook. Seriously people, lay off the narcotics and hallucinogens when this task of naming comes around.
This is not just a problem running rampant amongst celebrities and pro athletes though, because it certainly hits home as well. And it hits home hard.
We, the good citizens of the University at, not of, Buffalo, also feel the effects of poor naming. All you have to do is walk over to our two major athletic complexes to bask in the "glory" of past namings gone horribly wrong.
Now, I'm not saying that my own crap don't stink, because I named my pet turtle "Turtley" back in the day, but what were the brainstorming sessions like when the administration decided to name the aforementioned complexes Alumni Arena and UB Stadium?
And you wonder why nobody shows up at the games. UB Stadium and Alumni Arena are synonymous with boring. Who did they put in charge of the naming, the Associated Press?
Let's dissect Alumni Arena for starters.
Apparently, the name "Rob Suglia's Pleasure Palace" was already taken, so the powers-that-be decided to dabble in alliteration and name the building after its alumni.
Not any alumnus in particular, like, say, Curtis Blackmore (sweetest 'fro and muttonchops ever, no joke), but the alumni in general, as a whole, I guess.
In case you were wondering who these mysterious "alumni" are that Alumni Arena was named after, look no further than the seats across from the real student section at the basketball games.
Yeah, I know, you thought those people were just undead zombies who rise from their seats only to snatch up free t-shirts, but in reality, they may in fact be these elusive "alumni."
Forget them though. They suck. Yeah, they may donate some serious cash to the program, but did we really need to name an entire arena after a bunch of corpses that can't get on their feet to cheer our resurgent Bulls?
I've got a better idea. How about we rename the place Amitrano Arena in honor of UB's most infamous, and bloodthirsty, fan - Jon Amitrano. If you don't know who this guy is by now, you're probably either locked away in the Spaulding Quadrangle or one of those zombie alumni freaks. Amitrano is the painted blue guy that blows his vocal chords out at every game, calling opposing girls fat chipmunks, reminding players that their fathers are dead and generally causing a ruckus at every event.
Classy? Of course not. Passionate? You betcha.
Is there really a better person to name the arena after? I don't think so. They could even replace the bronzed buffalo outside the arena with a life-size statue of Amitrano that spits water out of its mouth.
C'mon guys, I'm full of ideas over here.
Now for Alumni Arena's big brother, UB Stadium.
Ugh. How boring can you get? I can see the stadium-naming group now:
Person A: Hmm, what should we name this stadium we have here?
Person B: How about ... 'Stadium?'
Person C: No, no, how about 'The Stadium?'
Person A: Getting warmer
Person B: Wait, I've got it! How about UB Stadium?!? Get it, that's the name of our school combined with the word 'stadium!'
If Jerry Seinfeld's rival comedian Kenny Bania were there, he would have responded, "that's gold Jerry, THAT'S GOLD!"
I for one hate pro stadiums named after corporations like 3COM and US Cellular, but I think I would allow some corporate sponsorship just to get the stadium's name changed.
Imagine if Mighty Taco bought the naming rights to the stadium, and we got to call it "The Big Taco." That would be awesome.
HSBC Stadium would even be suitable, just so we could pretend that it stood for Hot Sauce and Blue Cheese Stadium. Now that really suits Buffalo. A stadium named after what its population is made up of (it's been scientifically proven that Buffalonians bodies are comprised of 90 percent hot sauce and blue cheese, instead of water).
Whatever though, just please get rid of the UB Stadium moniker. Please.
