Okay, let's be serious for a moment here. If you're a perpetrator of this crime, immediately surrender yourself to the authorities.
What I want to know is, who, in the name of all that is holy, is stuffing the NBA's All-Star ballot box? How can Vince Carter be the No. 1 vote-getter out of every single NBA player? I just don't get it. This is the same guy that was dancing at a Nelly concert while he was injured and "unable" to play for the Raptors.
And Steve Francis? My god. What is the world coming to. This guy, "Stevie Franchise" as his moron fans call him, actually made his coach Jeff Van Gundy twitch the other night after dribbling around for 13 seconds and then shooting an air ball to end the game. Van Gundy was visibly twitching as he walked off the court, I kid you not.
It irritates me so much that these two, among others, are starting in the All-Star game. So you know what? I've decided to make my own All-Star team.
Now these guys may not be true All-Stars per se, but they surely keep me entertained on a day-to-day basis.
The Western Conference
Starting point guard, Sam Cassell (Minnesota T'Wolves) - Ever since the time I went to a Nets game in the Meadowlands and saw Cassell and Kerry Kittles in the video for the starting lineup introductions in a scene that resembled UPN's timeless "Homeboys in Outerspace," I've loved Cassell. And he looks like E.T. How can you go wrong?
Starting shooting guard, Latrell Sprewell (Minnesota T'Wolves) - I had Spree penned in this spot as soon as I starting writing this, but then I saw something the other night that cemented it.
TNT did a feature on Sprewell's "Spree Racing" company and had Vivica A. Fox doing the feature. My boy Latrell was visibly hitting on her and the clips ended with him driving away with her in the car. The thing is, isn't Fox dating 50 Cent? Spree, my friend, you are one ballsy man. Hitting on 50 Cent's girl. Wow.
Starting small forward, Peja Stojakovic (Sacramento Kings) - Peja looks like my friend Morano from home, and that just brings up fond memories of the time he dressed up as Owen Hart, crime scene tape and all, and gave "the sharpshooter" to the deranged Adrian Sapka in the middle of the cafeteria. Ah, memories.
Starting power forward, Clarence Weatherspoon (Houston Rockets) - 'Spoon is so horrendous on offense it's hilarious. The other night he scored on a put back while being fouled and looked legitimately shocked afterwards. His expression read, "oh snap, did I just do that?" I had to witness countless Knicks games with him on the roster, and I don't think I've ever seen him not get blocked at close range. Stinking bum.
Starting center, Shaquille O'Neal (L.A. Lakers) - Shaq is always good for a few off-color comments that make people squeamish. While his profanity laced tirade a few days ago was classic, his pseudo-racist, "Tell Yao I say 'ching, chong, chang, chung'" comment last year was ludicrous. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Bench, Devean George (L.A. Lakers) - One of the most underrated players in the NBA, bar none ... c'mon, you knew I was kidding. I hate this coattail riding D-III shchlep.
Bench, Marcus Camby (Denver Nuggets) - Unique is a word that truly describes Camby. There isn't another player in the NBA that plays like Camby does. He may have a frail frame, but remember, if nobody can, the Cambyman can.
Bench, Chris Kaman (L.A. Clippers) - A Mid-American Conference alumnus, Kaman went straight from Central Michigan to Clipperland. That sort of reminds me of Dave Chappelle's "Mad Real World" skit. I wish Lamar Odom was still on the Clips to play the role of "Faze."
Bench, Rasheed Wallace and Bonzi Wells (Formerly of the Portland Trailblazers) - Do I really need to explain this? Read "Blazing on in Our Hearts" in this paper to find out more.
The Eastern Conference
Starting point guard, Stephon Marbury (NY Knicks) - Call me a biased Knicks fan, and I'll say you've hit the nail right on the head. However, Starbury has resurrected the greatest basketball team ever and deserves to be on the team much more than the fan-voted egomaniac Jason Kidd. Let's not forget that he made up the nickname "Starbury."
Starting shooting guard, LeBron James (Cleveland Cavs) - James' hype made me want to rip my hair out, but you have to give the guy credit for living up to it and even surpassing it. James is legit and may be the Luke Skywalker for the Eastern Conference. Only time will tell if he can destroy the Western Death Star.
Starting small forward, Ron Artest (Indiana Pacers) -I still can't get over the fact that during his "spaz out" phase of last year, he smashed a framed picture of himself in Indiana's lockeroom. That's just really weird. Another freak out has to be on the way, Artest can't stay under control forever. After bottling all of his rage up this season, we may find him eating the remains of Austin Croshere soon enough.
Starting power forward, Kurt Thomas (NY Knicks) - How could I resist putting my boy, "crazy eyes" in the starting lineup. He's the heart and soul of the Knicks and is enjoying Marbury's presence more than any other Knick.
Starting center, Zan Tabak (???)- When I thought of centers in the East, Tabak came to my head right before Eric Montross. Ugh. Wait, are these guys even in the league anymore? Whatever.
Bench, Dwayne Wade (Miami Heat - How can you not think of "A Different World's" Dwayne Wayne when you hear Wade's name. Now, only if he'd wear those sweet flip-up sunglasses in Miami's press conferences.
Bench, Brian Scalabrine and Zoran Planinic (NJ Nets) -Whenever I see these two dudes, I think of that line from Billy Madison. "Did you see that guy's balls?" "Yeah, they were weird looking." If you can say one thing about Planinic and Scalabrine, it's that they are extremely "weird looking" as far as NBA players go.
Bench, Ricky Davis (Cleveland Cavs/Boston Celtics) - David Stern probably forced the trade that sent Ricky Ricky to the Celtics. Understandably so, considering Davis seems to be stoned 24-7 and would have gotten LeBron high by osmosis.
