Nothing But Fear Itself

I used to have a schoolgirl crush on a man who later allegedly murdered his sister and ex-girlfriend. A friend of my older brother, he was tall and handsome with an adorable Trinidadian accent. As far as my adolescent eye could see, he was quiet a catch. A couple of years later Mr. Quite the Catch was on every local news station as Mr. Most Wanted.

The charges against this family friend were brought to light the same summer that unemployment and anti-social sentiments resulted in some excessive television watching on my part. Forensic Files on the Discovery Channel was one of my can't-miss programs. Real life stories about murderers coupled with a real life acquaintance with an alleged murderer set paranoia running rampant in my already somewhat obsessive mind.

Friends and family members were amused by my fearful, seemingly outrageous "what-ifs." What if the person ringing the doorbell is my brother's unhinged friend? I'm not going to the store, what if someone comes in to rob the place and I get caught in the fray? Marriage isn't for me, what if my husband decides to serve me dinner with a side of arsenic and then collects on my life insurance?

"Let them be unwary," I thought. "I watch Forensic Files, Exhibit A, FBI Files, and America's Most Wanted and found a common denominator in those whose lives came to untimely endings. They were all unsuspecting."

I would never be caught trusting someone unfamiliar to me - a little Jeffrey Dahmer could be hiding inside anyone.

My obsessive mistrust was occasionally interrupted by such mundane matters as schoolwork, social gatherings and spending time with friends-who often got an earful about all the possible misfortunes lurking in corners waiting to befall the unsuspecting.

As far as I could tell, my way of thinking was quite advanced. I'd even read a study which found that pessimists lived longer than their cheerful "don't worry be happy" counterparts. I thought I would be an ultra-wary person for the rest of my life - then I met someone.

I got out of work late one night and immediately began trying to decide if walking outside would be safer than walking inside the buildings. I started navigating indoors after coming to the conclusion that the risk would be about the same and that walking outdoors had a potential for death by freezing being that it was -1,000 degrees.

My 15-minute walk to the safety of my room took double the time it usually did because every five seconds I would slow down to jerk my head in all directions to see if I was being followed.

I rounded a corner and there he was. He was very tall, very muscular and - from my paranoid perspective - very menacing. Busy doing what custodial workers do at 2 a.m., he didn't even notice me until I was right next to him. I was hoping I could breeze past him without incident - wasn't the Son of Sam a custodial worker?

"Good evening," he said with a smile. "What are you reading there?"

Alarm bells started going off - wasn't Ted Bundy supposed to have been a big charmer? I was tempted to run but I stood my ground, as he began talking.

The paranoid sociophobe in me looked around nervously for the nearest exit, I took mental inventory of objects in my bag that I could use in the event of an attack and then I caught a sentence as it flowed from his lips. This man was speaking about social issues that I love to mull over in my time off from worrying about being murdered. He spoke with a friendliness that put me at ease and his eloquence was captivating.

After we wrapped up our conversation, I walked away from the man who started out as a prospective slaughterer and ended up as a shining social guru.

Though I do not plan on making a habit of speaking to strange men in empty buildings in the wee hours of the morning, or falling into the ranks of the hopelessly unsuspecting, I believe this encounter has shown me that while I run the risk of meeting a scheming killer I also have a chance of finding enlightenment in the unlikeliest of places.

Though my level of wariness might be a little on the extreme side, I know that - on some level - everyone is afflicted by a mistrust of strangers that is causing them to miss out on some social illumination. Yes, that man who just stepped on the elevator may very well be up to no good, but it is much more likely that he is an intelligent and caring individual who can give you a much-needed new perspective.