People who don't like football just don't see the beautiful storylines that I, and the rest of the fans, see. Let's take the AFC West for example and relate it to the hit movie "The Karate Kid." You have the reigning champs, the Oakland Raiders, who play the part of the Cobra Kai with owner Al Davis as that creepy sensei guy and Rich Gannon as that blonde punk Johnny. On the flip side, we have the underdogs in the Kansas City Chiefs with head coach Dick Vermeil as Mr. Miyagi and Priest Holmes as Danny LaRusso. The storylines are intense.
This whole Seattle Seahawks being a contender thing is really blowing my mind. It feels as if a knife is being jammed into my brain, "Vlad the Impaler" style, when I think of them as legit. It's almost as painful as the time I tried to eat five Fruit Rollups at the same time back in second grade. And let me tell you, that was painful.
I used to think Denver Broncos' coach Mike Shanahan was a cool guy back in the John Elway years, but now I realize that the guy may be seriously demented. By looking into his eyes you can see straight into the depths of Hell. Seriously. I bet the guy tried to kill Brian Griese, which explains why he fled to Miami. And whatever happened to Bubby Brister? I bet Shanahan has his head in a jar somewhere a la Hannibal Lecter in Silence of the Lambs. I also wouldn't be surprised if he keeps his new quarterback Jake Plummer in that well thing from the first movie.
Shanahan (dressed as a woman): He puts the football in the basket.
Plummer: I want to go back to Arizona! ... eh, this is better I guess.
Forget "Where's Waldo?," this football season has been more like "Where's Travis Henry?" The guy has disappeared faster than that middle child, Judy, from "Family Matters." But if a book was actually made in Waldo fashion featuring Henry instead, it would undoubtedly be on the New York Times bestseller list. The ideas for pictures are endless, and just for starters there would be pages where you have to find Travis in Sweet Home High School, La Boom and the Galleria Mall - but before 5 p.m. of course, because that's when the 15-year-olds have to go home.
Listening to ESPN's Bobby Valentine rip into the Yankees and Twins during yesterday's telecast of their first round match up resulted in a great idea popping up in my head. Bobby V. was definitely livid over some decisions, but it seemed he was holding back. What I want to see is an uncensored show of Baseball Tonight featuring Valentine completely letting loose while ranting and raving and letting anyone in the vicinity have it, because we all know that Bobby V. equals ratings and excellent television.
While Valentine may make for some interesting television, there is one man that surely tops him - former Cowboy, current ESPN analyst and renowned lover of hookers and cocaine, Michael "Playmaker" Irvin. This guy needs to be on every channel possible. But, what I really want to see is Irvin on the old Nickelodeon show "Are You Afraid of the Dark?" I'm telling you, Irvin would make the best scary-storyteller ever. I can see it now. Michael would probably grab that bag of salt the "Midnight Society" used to throw on the fire, stick his head in it, take a big sniff and then go on a 30-minute scary story-telling rampage about the time he and Nate Newton were running from the cops with three prostitutes and 200 pounds of marijuana in their car. Forget all these crappy new sitcoms, that would make amazing television, and the looks on the other storytellers' faces would be priceless.
For safety standards, someone has to get Jets quarterback Vinny Testaverde to wear one of those red pinneys so every defender knows not to hit him too hard. The guy looks like he is going to literally crack in half if he gets blindsided. There is a way that Vinny's frailty could help out the Jets however. If his head were to be knocked off, it could potentially roll into the end zone, resulting in a much-needed touchdown for the 0-4 Jets. It has happened before, if you remember correctly. In '98 Vinny scored a touchdown against Seattle when only his head crossed the goal line, so who's to say that if his severed head rolled into the end zone it wouldn't result in six points for the J-E-T-S Jets?
Oh my, oh my, the fan poll is back! This week's brain buster is a good one, and without further delay, here it is: Which New York coach has the better car story? Is it Giants coach Jim Fassell who had his car jacked not once, but twice, with the thief calling him on his cell phone the second time to tell him that "he shouldn't leave his keys in the car?" Or is it former Knick coach Jeff Van Gundy getting off a plane with his team to witness his '95 civic blasted about 30 feet in the air by the jet intake and dropped directly onto Allan Houston's Mercedes resulting in two totaled cars and a lot of laughs from those not named Houston or Van Gundy? While you mull that over, imagine both sequences with the America's Funniest Home Videos theme song playing in your head and Bob Sagat doing his crucial and zany voiceovers for both instances. Then send in your answer!
Speaking of good ole' Bob Sagat, while I was whooping arse and taking names this past week in the Super Nintendo version of Street Fighter II, I thought of a new game that has to be made. Never mind Marvel vs. Capcom, what we need is Street Fighter II: TGIF Edition. Just imagine it, Bob Sagat vs. Sagat, Karl Winslow matching up against Ryu, and of course Balky and Larry (and his fro) going at each other one-on-one. Why don't games like this get made?
