All right, the jig is up, Mike Martz. I know what's going on with you and your St. Louis Rams. Somewhere back in 2001 Martz must have made a bet with someone saying that he could coach the Rams to the Super Bowl in a drunken stupor. I've always believed the guy was drunk with some of the decisions he's made, but the kicker came this weekend when I saw him celebrating St. Louis' game-winning field goal in overtime. The man looked exactly like someone does when they sink the last cup in beer pong after trailing for most of the game. It was a dead on drunken celebration. I know what you're up to, Martz.
You really have to feel for Kurt Warner in the situation though. Having Martz use you in a game must be just about as scary as letting a drunken Gary Busey drive you home from the bar. Something bad is bound to happen.
If there are two people that I would love to throw down with in a no holds barred street fight, it would have to be the two raging egomaniacs that are Bill Parcells and Bobby Knight. Somewhere along the line these two got the idea that they are God's gift to the world and they took that notion and ran with it.
Well guess what guys, you're not flying spaceships for NASA, you're not General McArthur - you're not even worthy enough to be a voice actor for Earl the Dinosaur on that old show "Dinosaurs." You're coaches, not divine heroes sent to save the world.
I'd throw down with those two mano-a-mano at first, but if those two creeps tried to team up together to take me out, I'd have to bring in Jeremy Schaap (who Knight scolded in a nationally televised interview by saying, "You know Jeremy, you have a long way to go to be the quality of your father. I want you to keep this in mind.") with a steel chair to regulate. Afterwards me and Schaap would stand above the bloodied Parcells and Knight and high-five and shout, "Journalists rule!" (Edit note: I always find "X Rules!" with a high five as the funniest thing ever. Whether it's O'Doyle ruling, Koko the Monkey or Papeonomics, the hilarity never fails.)
Speaking of Papeonomics, SA President George Pape made one of the most unintentionally hilarious speeches on Friday night at Fallfest, culminating in the now infamous line, "this is what the (expletive) we do!" That speech ranks right below Keanu Reeves' "we're just a couple of cool dudes hanging out" line from "Speed" on my unintentional comedy list. Priceless stuff, Jorge.
Tell me Vikings head coach Mike Tice doesn't look like McDonalds' Grimace on the sidelines in his big ole purple vest that he wears. I don't think anyone would be able to tell the difference if Grimace himself came out in a headset to coach the Vikings. Maybe the Vikes would realize that it was Grimace though, when they find him in the back doing the wild thang with Birdie. Although I don't put that past Tice either.
Who doesn't love ESPN's Sunday Night Football commentary team? I really want to know. They blow Madden and Al Michaels out of the water. All the elements for a successful trio are within the team. One of them is insane (Paul McGuire), one is from planet Jupiter (Mike Patrick), and one is Joe Theisman (Joe Theisman). These guys can really tear it up when they get going. However, if they were ever to get Macho Man Randy Savage and the Ultimate Warrior down on the field competing for interviews with players, then we can talk best team ever.
Honestly, do the Packers really think they can win with Mike Sherman as a coach? Mike Sherbert might as well be the coach of this team. Sorry, I just had to use the word "sherbert" in a sentence.
It's so funny how Ohio State suspended Maurice Clarett for the 2003 season for accepting gifts. Isn't that a little hypocritical? It's not like NCAA football isn't slightly (ha) corrupt. The brass use the kids as scapegoats, while they go ahead and rape every single fan on the way to the bank. Give us, the fans who basically sign your checks, what we want. Give us the 16-team playoff system!
Rocky Balboa could come up with a better plan than this BCS B.S. after he had his brain turned to Boston Market creamed spinach by Ivan Drago. The 16-team (or 32) playoff would elevate college football to its greatest heights ever. It's so obvious that NCAA football loves all the money they see and will never give the fans what they want though. It's garbage. All they care about is the money in their bank. That's it, bottom line. They don't care about you, football or Clarett.
If NCAA basketball used a system with bowl games like football does, it would be nowhere near as popular as it is right now. Without March Madness it would be on the level of college football, but with that amazing tournament they rise to the top of sports, and not just college ones. That's how amazing a college playoff tournament can be.
So go ahead Ohio State and NCAA football, blame Clarett and banish him from football for tarnishing its image. But we know who the real thieves are. The ones that refuse to give us what we want, and what would make football better, just so their pockets stay lined with silver and gold.
I really need to get some dance lessons from the Buffalo Bills' Nate Clements. That kid can bust one heck of a move - he's like MC Hammer on crack. Wait, scratch that one. He's like Bobby Brown on crack. Hold on a second. Is Nate Clements on crack? If that's the case, then so be it. God bless America.
If there is one thing I miss about living in the dorms here at UB, it's waking up at four in the morning to a hissing sound and realizing it's your roommates cooking burgers on the Foreman grill. Memories.
I wish I were in Duckberg right now.
