Who in the name of Zeus' butt hole (wow, did I just quote Nicolas Cage?) is behind the abomination that was ESPN's top 121 teams? For one second, I will forget that the New York Knicks were number 120, only in front of the damned Bungles and behind franchises like the Clippers, Seahawks and Devil Rays. But then the fans, or whoever was behind this, had the nerve to put the Arizona Diamondbacks in at No. 2. As Bill Walton would say, "That's terrrrrible."
The Diamondbacks are a team that has only been in existence for five years. How can they be No. 2 when they are a damn expansion team?
Friggin' expansion teams. It's bad enough that they have to water down all the leagues into the parity they have become, but the worst part about them is their absolutely hideous jerseys. Almost every single expansion team or relocated team wears either purple or some sort of teal, blue-green, pansy color. Am I the only one that has noticed this? The Rockies, Marlins, Ravens, Panthers, Jaguars, Hornets, D'Backs, Devil Rays, Avalanche, Grizzlies and the Raptors all sport either purple or teal. What is going on here? Can someone please explain? These are not and should not be sports teams' colors. What happened to classic, simple jerseys like the ones worn by the Yankees, Celtics and Browns?
This diluting and destruction of sports can only mean one thing: Oprah Winfrey took control of the world sometime in the early 1990s, and it's her and Dr. Phil's mission to kill sports and everything else I love. Maybe it's just the Jack Daniels speaking, but that's what I think.
Hahahaha. Excuse me while I laugh, but does anyone else find the fact that the Sabres might potentially move to Portland of all places kind of funny? The Sabres and the Blazers in the same building. You know Sabres coach Lindy Ruff is going to be hitting up Rasheed or Damon Stoudamire for some of that sweet cheeba to smoke his sorrows away. And throw Miroslav Satan in the mix? The Blazers are going to be making deals with the devil every day.
Mike Vanderjagt, what are you doing, you drunken fool? First of all, you're a kicker, and by now you should know that kickers should not be calling out real players, i.e., Colts quarterback Peyton "Your defense is offensive" Manning. Second of all, you're from Canada. Don't you know people are going to make fun of you just for that? No offense to any canucks out there, but Canada is a place where Doug Flutie is a national hero. That sums it up right there, I think.
On second thought, who am I to talk? I'm an American, and America is a country that made Whoopi Goldberg a huge mega-star, that bad-movie-making, eyebrow-shaving-off, award show-hosting freak.
A tragedy struck my home last week when my neighbor informed me and my housemates that our life-size Cindy Crawford cutout had to be taken out of the front window. Cindy's loving gaze often brought warmth to my soul during these cold, heartless and football-less winter days. Now what do I have to warm my soul?
At least two weeks ago I was able to look forward to watching Jimmy Kimmel Live every night with his incredible guest-host for the week, Snoop Dogg. My god, I believe that was the best television I have watched in years. It was the first time I had watched a daily, late-night show every single time it was on. Snoop Dogg could very well be the funniest man in America, and I think it would be wise for Kimmel and friends to put him in the chair permanently and never, ever, allow Kathy Griffin on the show again.
But hope is on the way. Bill Walton gets his own reality series on ESPN. Now don't get me wrong, I used to loathe this guy, but he has grown on me so much in the past few years. I find him absolutely hilarious now, and a reality show featuring this big-time hippy is an excellent idea.
With Jimmy Kimmel, Snoop Dogg and Bill Walton controlling the television waves, it might be safe to say that America is turning itself around. Either that, or this is a sign that marijuana will soon be legalized, much to the chagrin of the higher powers behind those asinine anti-marijuana commercials. What about the loaded gun on the desk? Who cares about the wacky tobacky when there is a loaded gun out in the open? Stupid NRA morons. Someone should push Charlton Heston down a flight of stairs.
Speaking of the law, most of us students here at UB would love to see our beloved Student Association Executive Board members sent to one of those federal pound-me-in-the-arse prisons. I mean, first it's the whole us-paying-for-their-tuition thing, and now these wild rumors about who will be performing at our Spring Fest.
Okay, maybe this is just a rumor, but I heard from Sally, who was told by Jesse, who was tipped by Raphael, that Naughty by Nature will be performing at this year's "fest."
Oh, no, wait, that was last year's crappy event. My favorite part about that whole thing was that Warren G no-showed. You know it's hit the fan when a guy who hasn't had a hit since 1994 pulls out.
But seriously, who will be performing this year? Maybe Ugly Kid Joe could tear it up for two hours at Alumni Arena. Or maybe SA will bring in the highly touted Crash Test Dummies. Their last hit was in 1994, too, so I guess that makes them candidates. But hold your horses there, kiddos. Don't get too excited yet.
Apparently a band of the caliber of Smash Mouth will be gracing UB before you know it. A Smash Mouth-type band? What the hell does that mean? If you're talking Smash Mouth caliber, then I guess that nixes everybody but the guy who performed the theme song to the hit show "Doogie Howser MD." What are they thinking, bringing this crap to Buffalo? Pat Benatar and now this? Can they be serious? Is anyone out there a Smash Mouth fan? I've personally never ever met one. Wow. Smash Mouth.
SMASH F'N MOUTH!
Oh yeah, and kiddies, remember: don't be that guy that plucks and/or waxes his eyebrows. It's just weird, and guys should not play with and form their eyebrows. Kay? Alrighty then, peace, I'm outta here!
