What is wrong with the "higher powers" behind college football? How can Marshall with their should-be Heisman quarterback, Byron Leftwich, not be in the top 25 when the Florida Gators are in there with a 5-3 record, in which two of those losses they were blown out? Marshall, 5-1, must be feeling pretty ripped off right now, although not as screwed as anyone that gets the pierogies in "Pistachios." I have no idea where the FSA gets off charging $5.25 for a side salad, a breadstick and THREE pierogies. That's right, three. Thanks for the satisfying meal, you bleepin' cheapos. Typical UB.
I have an idea for a movie that I think I am going to try to pitch to Hollywood. Ok, here goes. I'm thinking of making a sequel to Billy Madison where Randy Moss would play Adam Sandler's role. It would essentially be the same exact movie with Randy going through all the grades of school again, yet of course with Randy being Randy, there would certainly be drama. You could have him punching second grade girls, hitting the principal with his car, or even pushing Veronica Vaughn down the stairs. And since Randy can basically get away with anything he wants to, it would be laughs all along the way. Casting Daunte Culpepper as Norm MacDonald and Mike Tice as that other friend ("I think their playing Water Polo or sumthin.") would also be a must. Unfortunately, for Tice that is, I'm pretty sure that he is actually married to a mucous queen in real life.
Boy, oh boy. Chris "animation station" Carter has come out of retirement and signed with the Miami Dolphins for a one-year contract. Unfortunately for the animated one, he will be only making $550,000, which is $450,000 less than Lisa "I get paid a million bucks an episode for this?" Kudrow. Luckily for fans of other teams in the AFC East, Carter should prove to be as useless as Kudrow. For the gaming fans out there it has been announced that Carter will appear with the Dolphins in Madden 2004 and will also be replacing the character "Toad" in the new Super Mario Brothers game.
This takes us to the timeout corner, where in fact I'm sending myself to the timeout corner. Jim Byrne incessantly goes on about how he hates Doug Flutie's infamous mullet haircut. Flutie does NOT have the worst hair in America, and this is something that Jim has learned the hard way. He was watching a re-run of "Home Improvement" recently and to his dismay he witnessed something that is truly atrocious: the heads of the children on "Home Improvement." It looked more like what happens when Rogaine is applied to watermelons, honeydews, cantaloupes and other various melons than what a teenager's hair looks like. The hair on these kids is something that no one should ever have to witness, and God bless the souls of any girl that had a crush on Jonathan Taylor Thomas. His haircut makes Doug Flutie look like the GQ "Man of the Year."
Now that I think of it, Flutie on the cover of GQ would probably signal Armageddon.
And now it's time for the fan poll, which gives you the reader an opportunity to answer this week's burning question: Who does more drugs, Scott Layden or Tim Burton?
Scott Layden is the general manager for the Knicks, and is notorious for his acquisitions of players like Luc "I should be cleaning up after the Westminster Dog Show, not playing basketball" Longley and Travis "I average 1.3 points a game" Knight. Tim Burton, on the other hand, is the man behind movies such as "Edward Scissorhands," about a dude with SCISSORS attached to his hands, and "The Nightmare Before Christmas," about Halloween-themed clay pretending it's Christmas. Right.
I'm glad to finally see that those nauseating McDonald's commercials with Kobe Bryant are off the air. You know the ones with him acting like such a "sweet guy" playing ball with all the little kids. Unfortunately for us, the viewers, the unholy alliance of Donald Trump and Grimace has taken over the fast-food chain's commercials. Man, talk about picking your poison.
