Well Michael Jordan has announced that he will be back for the 2002-03 NBA season. While I am sure that excites some fans, it kind of upsets me. Why, you ask? It's because that skeezy crustache he sports will be back as well. Jordan sets an example for many in this nation, and for him to not have shaven that cheesy little mustache he wears is a gross injustice. I see too many people in this world with pre-pubescent fuzzy crustaches and it just upsets me greatly. Shave those freakin' things people. Please.
The return of MJ also guarantees one more thing. Ahmad Rashad, spawn of Satan and Jordan's personal homeboy interviewer, will be back to do more "exclusive" MJ interviews. God only knows what is going down between those two behind the scenes. No pun intended.
Patrick Ewing has signed on with the Wizards as an assistant coach but you can only imagine what must be going through Ewing's head. You know the guy wants to suit up and play with Jordan. This fact must be causing nightmares for Wizards fans.
While Jordan can still suit up and play with the best, Ewing is far over the NBA hill and looks like a spaz when he is on the court. If I were a Wizards fan, I would rather see Lou Diamond Phillips in a Washington uniform. At least he could entertain the crowd with a rendition of that catchy song, "La Bamba."
I called my good friend and Universal recording artist Nelly the other day to find out what he had to say about the St. Louis Rams 0-5 start. What he had to say kind of disturbed me a little bit. The following is the text version of our brief telephone conversation.
Me: Hey Nelly, what the dilly yo?
Nelly: Nothin man, sup?
Me: What's the deal with the Rams homeslice?
Nelly: I was like good gracious, Mike Martz's a-- is bodacious.
(CLICK)
I immediately hung up when thoughts of Nelly's love of Martz's cottage cheese rear end came into my head.
XFL most valuable player Tommy Maddox is finally getting his chance. He started this weekend for the Pittsburgh Steelers in place of the god-awful crybaby Kordell Stewart. It was pretty much a no-brainer for Coach Bill Cowher though. Come on, who wouldn't start a quarterback that's "Xtreme!" Tommy Maddox rulz. I don't care what the media boyz say about him, he is kewl in my book. Another note, replacing s with z and starting words with x is not cool.
Doug Flutie's mullet was seen trying to help illegal immigrants and their mullitos across the border over the weekend. Thankfully, a warrant has been issued for its arrest.
"The Best Damn Sports Show Ever." More like the biggest collection of morons ever. You've got Michael "let's throw that hooker a humpin'" Irvin and his absolutely mind-numbing lime-green suits, and then Tom Arnold with that tattoo of his anti-Christ former wife Roseanne Barr with her dump truck-like build. All they need on that show is Jerry Glanville and Deion Sanders. Wow, imagine those four on a show together. That concoction would lead to the end of civilization, as we know it.
Tragedy struck last Tuesday when Mets manager Bobby Valentine was fired. He was a classic manager for the Mets and will truly be missed in New York. (Cue Bette Midler's "Wind Beneath My Wings" and highlight reel of Bobby's greatest moments including coming back into the dugout in disguise after being ejected, Bobby Bonilla challenging him to a fight, and his goofy impersonation of the Mets playing ball while high on the ganja).
The Mets made more headlines last week when Rey Ordonez made a statement that he doesn't want to play in New York because the fans are stupid. Although Ordonez brings up a good point due to the fact that most Mets fans are brain-dead, he should not be the one to be throwing barbs around because to put it bluntly, he pretty much sucks.
With the exception of Derek Jeter, the Yankees looked pretty gutless in their first-round loss against the Anaheim Angels. They no doubt have the most talent in baseball and their performance was inexcusable. It will be interesting to see what the "Boss" has in store for the Yanks in the off season.
At least most Yankee fans had at least one thing to cheer about this postseason with the Arizona Diamondbacks being swept out of the first round by the St. Louis Cardinals. You can't really feel bad for the defending champs either; I mean at least pitcher Randy Johnson can go back to his day job of being the ugliest piece of trash in America.
In a questionable move, the Utah Jazz will be retiring Jeff Hornacek's jersey before the start of the season. This makes no sense; it's like retiring Eric Snow's jersey in Philadelphia after he "helped" them get to the NBA finals.
Sometimes in life you're asked the question: "If you could have dinner with anyone from any time period, who would it be?" Most people generally give answers like, Jesus, Martin Luther King Jr., the talking rat Splinter from the Ninja Turtles, or Elvis. But not me; I would definitely choose NBA player Anthony Mason. I want to know where he got those haircuts back in the day when he was on the Knicks. Mason would always have his head shaved with some hair left in the back to spell out things like "Defense" or "In God we trust." Man that was cool. If I could find out where he got those haircuts, I'd be there in a second. I've been dying to get a haircut so that it says "Sinbad Rules" on my head. Yes, the Sinbad of "Houseguest" and "First Kid" fame.
Oooooh Yeah.Dig It!
