Oh, spring break. That time of year when college students veg out for the week with sweet alcohol in some tropical paradise where the sun shines bright and the bikinis come into full view.
I have some advice that may come in handy during your week of total ecstasy, guys. Beware, because if you leave ill-prepared you may be in for a huge disappointment.
Let's get started with proper spring break attire. Grab your credit card and head to a surf shop like Quicksilver and find a female employee to help you pick out a few hot styles. Deal with the debt later. I promise you, it will be a worthy investment. Women like well-dressed men (especially on the beach). Go too far, though, and the fashion police may arrest you.
Once you get the goods, it's time to hit the weights. Scrawny guys in good clothing make a bad match. They might as well stay home. You don't have to kill yourself, but try to develop some muscle tone. Lose the spare tire. Personal trainers are the way to go if you have the loot. If not, find a workout partner and get on him to workout with you at least four times a week.
Every guy knows if he can dance. If you don't know, you have never danced and need help. Those who consider themselves good dancers (meaning your skill has been confirmed by a woman) are ahead of the game and can skip this paragraph. Otherwise, everyone else can find some female (as long as she's a woman, you can bet she dances better than you).
Once you've found her, start very slowly. Do more observing than participating. In other words, try to hide the fact you're a hopeless case to begin with. Once you feel comfortable with some basic steps, try them very slowly with extensive repetition.
Afterward, once you've got a few steps down pat, you can move on to more complicated things - but only after steady progress. Feel the beat and get to know some basic rhythms. That should be sufficient. When your vacation begins, as long as you're moving like everyone else in a club or disco, with some rhythm, the girls will cling to you like magnets.
You can dance, you can dress and you have a tight body. You're god's gift to women, right? Think again. You are still missing a crucial ingredient: the ability to communicate smoothly. Take it from me, girls love humor. Not an excessive dose of it, but enough to let her know you're the kind of guy who knows how to have a great time.
Don't throw a pick-up line out there to draw a girl closer to you or to reel her in. This is a definite no-no. A great way to get a girl's attention is by offering to buy her a drink.
Once you've made that initial contact, it's time to show your "classier side." After you introduce yourself and after she reaches out her hand, gently raise it to your lips and give it a slight peck. The key thing to remember here is the lady's name. Try to hold a serious conversation with her without putting her to sleep. In other words, let her see the sophisticated college student you are, but don't let her forget that you're still a college boy at heart.
Do not dictate conversation and let your new lady friend get a fair share of input in as well. Show good listening skills, and at the end of the night, show her that you were listening by commenting on something she told you earlier about herself. Do not bring up anything unpleasant or embarrassing, or else she will think you're a jerk and the relationship will end right there.
I've laid the groundwork for a terrific spring break trip. It's up to you to do the rest and make me proud.
