"What you do is as important as anything government does."
- President George W. Bush
"Good evening, America. From Washington, D.C. I'm Tom Brokaw with NBC News' coverage of President George W. Bush's first State of the Union address. In a few minutes, the president will enter the House of Representatives' chamber in the Capitol you see behind me.
"As mandated by the Constitution, the president shall 'from time to time' inform Congress about the condition of the nation. The first State of the Union address was sent by George Washington in the form of a letter that simply read, 'Everything's cool' and was stained with coffee.
"William Henry Harrison was the first president to deliver his address in person. He did so to inform Congress of his death from pneumonia a month prior.
"The shortest in-person address was offered by Jimmy Carter in 1980 when he put his head in his hands and wept for five minutes after declaring, 'I have no idea what I'm doing.'
"The longest was delivered by Bill Clinton in 1997 when he thanked, by name, each of the 47,402,357 Americans who voted for him. I doubt Miss $60 million Katie Couric knew that.
"Ah, I see the president is about to enter the chamber. The House sergeant at arms will announce the commander in chief's arrival. Let's go to the floor of the House."
"Mr. Speaker, the president of the United States!"
(The president walks in to thunderous applause. He waves to someone in the chamber. Those in attendance clap louder. He adjusts his tie while walking. Yet even louder clapping. Tom Daschle, the mummy-like Senate majority leader, fresh from his sarcophagus, works on the New York Times crossword puzzle.)
"It's tradition for one cabinet member to not attend tonight's event for fear of an attack that could conceivably wipe out the entire government. Tonight, Commerce Secretary Donald Evans is staying in a highly secure Motel 6 in Alexandria. When asked why he selected Evans, the president responded, 'Well, Don smells and I don't like him.'"
(Fifteen minutes later the president has shaken every hand in the chamber. Swimming through the crowd like a shark chasing a bleeding Dom DeLuise, Bush finally makes his way to the podium.)
"Thank you."
(Clapping.)
"Thank you."
(Clapping and whistling.)
"Thank you."
(Clapping, whistling and feet stomping. The president reaches into his jacket, pulls out a gun, and fires once into the ceiling.) "Goddamn it, would you shut up? I want to get home in time for 'Crocodile Hunter.'
"Before I begin, I'd like to apologize for having you all searched for pretzels at the door."
(Forced laughter at the lame joke made by the man who controls thousands of nuclear missiles and millions of high-school dropouts with big guns.)
"My fellow Americans, boy Sept. 11 sure did suck, huh? But they angered the wrong folks, didn't they?"
(Long, loud applause.)
"Did you hear the joke about the two Taliban? They were standing guard in front of the tank and the first guy says, 'You'll never guess what I saw my wife doing.'
"And the second Taliban says, 'Did it involve your goat?' 'Yes,' the first one answers. 'How did you know?'
"That's when the B-52 flying overhead releases its payload, killing them both."
(Raucous laughter and applause. Sen. Hillary Clinton, not grasping the joke, stares ahead blankly, like a retarded chipmunk.)
"Though the war is going well, we still haven't captured those most guilty of crimes against America: Mullah Omar and Osama bin Laden. If they are dead, then so be it.
"If they are found alive by American forces, we'll put them in the 'Widowmaker.' Developed over the past few months by Vice President Cheney, imagine a dentist's chair from hell. Then add flesh-eating rats. Plus fire. And The Best of Slim Whitman.
"And that's just day one."
(Long, enthusiastic applause. Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert high-fives the vice president.)
"While the war is paramount, we must do all we can to repair our economy damaged by the attacks and the Clinton/Gore administration, certainly not because of anything I've done.
"We need to get the economy humming again. My tax cuts of last year helped, because I personally know the 15 guys who benefited from those cuts. Of those guys - 13 from Texas and 10 of those from Enron have been spending left and right: lawyers, document shredders, cyanide pills.
"A recession calls for spending, lots of spending. Accordingly, I'm prepared to sign off on any and every pet-spending project you have. Crucifixes in urine, studying the effects of salt on slugs, statues of Pauly Shore and Adam Sandler - whatever you want. Let's break the piggy bank."
(Wild applause. Numerous senators faint, overwhelmed with joy.)
"Before I finish, I'd like to direct your attention to the gallery where my robot-like wife Laura is sitting with a special guest.
"On Sept. 11, Clive Davis was in Times Square, performing his God-given talent: pantomiming. When he heard what happened, he made a beeline for Ground Zero.
"He performed all night and into the next day for the rescuers. Though he said nothing, Clive's actions spoke louder than his words ever could. Clive, we salute you."
(Applause. Davis mimes being trapped in a box.)
"My fellow Americans, let me sum up. Terrorists? Bad. America? Good. Texas? Don't mess with. Good night and God bless."
(Applause as the president leaves the chamber.)
"Terrorists equals bad and America equals good. Words for the ages. I'm Tom Brokaw. Stay tuned for a very special episode of 'The West Wing' where President Bartlett pontificates. Good night."
