Editor's note: This article is a satire piece. It is not to be taken literally. 'Carson' is a pen name.
Dear Carson,
Sincerely,
Passive Prez
Dear Prez,
I'm glad you took my advice last week, because honestly, leaving the front page blank would have been totally mainstream. Not only would all those little muckraking sensationalists at The Spectrum have gotten their way with you, they'd think their paper was doing something worthy of attention. What they don't realize is that whether you say something about the Heights or not, nobody reads The Spectrum. Preaching the truth to "several important on-campus communication channels" was way more indie, chill-wave and bodacious. Right on, man. Those reporters came at your life hard, and it's a typical Spectrum-like display of unethical journalism. Aaron Mansfield, with his hipster haircut, thinks he can call you out on your campus? (I liked how you bolded and underlined the word "all" a bunch of times in your response, so I was vibing you there for a sec.) Well, too bad he chose Lisa Khoury for the job. This story will tattoo her reputation forever with a failure to fact-check and cover both sides of the story. I told you to just leave The Spectrum out of your response entirely and you were right on target, so direct in doing so - the best way to "say something," is by saying nothing at all (that's how I get chicks, at least). You're a fearless leader, and I won't let The Spectrum bend or break you. Continue to sweep everything under the rug, hole up in your office, give your PR rep something to say ... Do what you gotta do. This is some heavy s**t that you're going to have to "UB 2020" yourself out of for a little while longer before everything goes back to normal. Until then: get money, get paid. Deuces.
