Government: the heathendom of freedom

I do believe in the concept of government. However, I don't believe in this one.

In this day and age, with soaring populations and groups of people conditionally antagonistic to one another, governments are necessary to organize like-minded and geographically distinct blocs of citizens in order to promote peace, justice and order.

The idealistic, utopian society with Somalian tribesman and Dutch windmill farmers holding hands in a circle, singing "We Are the World" is no more than a hippy's wet dream.

Marx was the first to splatter his bed sheets, and because of his "Manifesto," millions of Russian peasants starved to death. In communist China, the words "freedom," "democracy" and "human rights" are technologically prohibited from citizen weblogs.

It was a nice idea Marxie, but the world as one big happy family is millennia away from being realized.

Governments cracking down on civil liberties exist in our own backyard too.

Several towns across America have ordinances that require residents to mow their lawns. The town of Alpena, Michigan fines residents for lawns that are "unsightly, noxious or detrimental to public health and welfare."

I think I just heard John Locke snapping his humerus off while trying to roll over in his grave. I also don't believe Jefferson had such restrictions in mind when he wrote about "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."

If our nation is always spouting about "freedom," "liberty" and "democracy," why does our government have the power to control how unsightly my grass is?

If I want to let my front lawn grow to tropical rainforest standards while I bask nude in the shady overgrowth with a burning American flag warming my feet, I should damn well be able to.

And I'll take you straight to the Supreme Court if you have a problem with that.

Besides local laws that pertain to the length of your grass or prohibit oversized boats from sitting in your driveway, much more invasive laws exist that restrict our basic human freedoms.

Why the hell is it that nine crusty old men and women determine whether a woman can abort a tadpole-sized sack of cells out of her own body? Why is it that a bunch of Bible-toting, white-haired legislators can discriminate as to what sexual groups can and cannot marry?

Though the Judicial and Legislative branches are invaluable and necessary to our government, such fundamental human freedoms should not be in the hands of those who represent only segments of our population.

As Walter Sobcheck in "The Big Lebowski" would say: "I did not watch my buddies die face down in the mud (for) this!"

While Walter may be a bit eccentric, and too quick to cite his 'Nam memories, he does have a point.

This country, founded on republican principles, doesn't come close to living up to them. But it goes back even farther than 1776. Absolute freedom as we know it doesn't exist, and hasn't for thousands of years.

The society we grow up in has a way of molding us to meet the demands of a consumer economy. While we think we're making our own choices, societal forces inherently manipulate our decisions.

Show me a woman who doesn't get the urge to swipe her credit card at the sight of a new pair of shoes, and I'll show you a man by pulling off her wig and deflating her balloon boobs with the thrust of my safety pin.

Kids that pull at their mom's overcoat at the supermarket nonsensically squealing about Lucky Charms are not doing so because of those oh-so delicious marshmallow charms, but because of marketing strategists who've created "Lucky," an evil corporate figurehead who molests the minds of children, implanting in them an insatiable desire for some terribly un-nutritious cereal.

Our society governs our thoughts and our instincts, making us believe that the precepts of freedom that we lambaste the world with are actually real. But we're all Thomas Andersons, walking around in a socially constructed matrix. It has become natural for some of us to foster racial stereotypes or to think homosexuality is an unacceptable lifestyle because we are conditioned to think that way.

Luckily, there are some Neos out there who fight the man, the system, and do all they can to live in this world as freely and peacefully as possible. You dissidents out there are welcome on my hideously overgrown lawn any day.