I swear holidays were invented by women. Back before WWII, when women primarily took care of the home and children, they invented these things they called "annoying days of endless pain," but the name was later changed to "holidays."
Truthfully, I don't know why they did it. I suspect their daily routines were quite boring and they needed the extra work that came along with these "holidays" to maintain their sanity. Or women may have just wanted an excuse to shop, which is the more logical theory. Perhaps they just wanted to torture men.
For whatever reason the "holiday" was born. It started with religious days and carried over into patriotic days. As women gained more power in politics and government they added more days - Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, etc.
Unfortunately for men, someone thought that "anniversaries" were a good idea. It didn't stop there though; they added meaningless anniversaries like "the anniversary of the first time we went to Mighty Taco." Anniversaries like this should be considered a felony.
Women realized that there were no "men's holidays," so to try to make sure that we did not catch on to their scheme of filling the calendar with "holidays" they invented "Father's Day."
"Father's Day" is a joke. You would think that on "Father's Day" a man would be able to do whatever he wanted. This is not the case.
All most fathers want to do on "Father's Day" is sleep in, go play golf, drink, hang out with friends, and pass out in front of the TV
Instead, however, fathers are rudely awakened by their children, who have attempted to make some god-awful concoction they call breakfast, at 8 a.m. The only saving grace in this ritual is that a father doesn't have to eat what his children made, since they spilled it all over him when trying to serve it in bed.
The "go play golf" section of Father's Day is replaced by the "mow the lawn, trim the hedges, and fix everything that's wrong in the house in just 30 minutes" section.
Worse than that, the "drinking and hanging out with friends" section is replaced by "entertaining relatives that you don't know/like/care about who have nothing better to talk about than the brand-new pre-owned piece of garbage that is currently leaking oil in your driveway."
Finally, at least you get to pass out in front of the TV. This, however, only comes after your wife has told you how embarrassed she was with everything you did/said that day and that she has sworn abstinence until you apologize to her brother Lance and invite him out with your friends on your next fishing trip.
Men, however, soon learned that they had been duped. And after realizing that we just could not remove all the "holidays" from the calendar, we invented our own holiday to try and salvage something in this whole debacle.
Thus, the Super Bowl was born!
Super Sunday, a day where the only shopping women do is at the grocery store. The only cards exchanged are for gambling. No boring relatives, just 40 of your closest, rowdiest, rudest friends. And you won't be making Lance any cosmopolitans because he is 20 miles away practicing his dance moves in anticipation of his upcoming audition in "Showboat."
Ah yes, this IS the best day of the year. Twenty different kinds of beer, 10 different kinds of dip, wings, pizza, pork-rinds, unidentifiable meat products dripping in grease - SNAUSAGES.
Not to mention the greatest sporting spectacle in the world: the Super Bowl.
Pre-game starts at 10 a.m. (so you can sleep in), everything that you ever wanted to know about everyone who has ever played in the Super Bowl. Yes, you will find out why Drew Bledsoe wears two jocks. You will learn why Marshall Faulk named his cat "Beaches." And you will laugh as the Patriots' offensive line tells the story of how they duct taped their punter to a light pole in a freezing cold parking lot until his bladder gave out, he pissed himself, and thus froze his body to the pole until the fire department came to the rescue.
And then, when the game is finally over, and everyone has gone ... you can watch the highlights! Over and over until you - yep you guessed it - pass out on the couch in front of the TV.
Yes, the Super Bowl is the greatest day of the year. If only we did not have to go to work on Monday. Hey I just thought of a new holiday. From now on, the Monday after the Super Bowl will be forever known as "National Sleep off Your Hangover and Relax Day."
Well guys, I guess we have two "holidays" now.
