I almost had a panic attack at the university bookstore on Monday.
I bought my cap and gown, and when I realized how much meaning and pressure the biodegradable blue gown, cap and hood held, my breathing became erratic.
The thought of graduation has been pushed back into the depths of my mind for the past eight months - not because I don't care nor because I'm in denial, but because of the constant pressure I've received from my family and friends as the day gets closer.
I am the first in my family to graduate from college. My father came close to obtaining his bachelor's degree in his native El Salvador, but due to the death of his father who paid his tuition, he dropped out six months before graduation.
Although my decision to attend a four-year institution was a last-minute one, my parents were supportive once I shared my decision with them - almost a little too supportive. From there, the pressure was on. I would be the first in my family to finish college, and because I am the first, I'm expected to set the bar high - which is a feeling that's become more and more daunting as graduation nears.
My college experience hasn't been easy. I've had to deal with a lot outside of the classroom and it deterred me from being the student I wanted to be during my time at UB. With that said, I'm willing to take sole responsibility for my actions, but I'm not ready to disappoint my parents, who might not have the most realistic idea of what happens after obtaining an undergraduate degree.
My parents come from a world where any type of education is a gain, and because I was blessed enough to be born an American citizen, they don't see any reason I shouldn't be able to land a great job straight out of college.
They also stress the importance of my culture and the stereotypes I shatter by getting my degree. According to the Pew Research Hispanic Center, 140,000 Hispanics received bachelor's degrees in 2010, which is a great feat in comparison to previous years but still pales in comparison to the 1.2 million degrees white students and 165,000 degrees black students received the same year.
While I understand it's an accomplishment to graduate with a bachelor's degree as a Latina, it doesn't take away from the fact that the real world is a scary place - and statistics don't help tame that fear.
According to a 2012 study done for The Associated Press that analyzed government data, 53.6 percent of people with undergraduate degrees under the age of 25 were unemployed - the highest percentage in 11 years.
While it's important for students to take advantage of resources on campus such as the Career Center, it worries me that the bachelor's degree is losing its glory in the working world. It worries me that I'll have to work for free for a few years, and while I know I'll get my dream job in the future, it'll take much longer for me than it did for generations that preceded me.
What keeps me from having a full-fledged breakdown about graduation is, ironically, the same pressure that makes me anxious. I'm proud of myself, but not knowing what the future holds drives a control freak like me crazy.
I know my worries aren't solely mine - I've met many students who are the first in their families to walk at an undergraduate commencement ceremony and I know a lot of first-generation Americans who feel the same pressure about graduating. The one common denominator we all share, however, is our pride.
So with the pressure comes pride. Congratulations, Class of 2013.
Email: elva.aguilar@ubspectrum.com
