Editor's note: This article is satirical and is not meant to be taken literally.
Dear Carson,
I want to get my ear pierced. Is that gay? I mean, I know I'm not gay, but are people going to think otherwise? Some of my friends have said, "Yes, an ear piercing on a male in the 21st century is, indeed, gay," but others have told me I can pull it off. I'm going for a 1983 Berlin-underground Eurotrash look ... Ya know? If people can't deal, then I don't want them around my lobes anyway. Ever since middle school, I have observed and learned that fake diamond studs on a man-boy are an entirely socially acceptable statement of "freshness," but I have something totally different in mind for my piercing. I want a hoop - not Michael Jordan style or hood rat-esque with my name in cursive through the middle of a gold piece the size of a half dollar - on one ear, I just want a nice little "huggie," if you know what I'm saying - a silver, or perhaps gunmetal grey, matte-finished hoop that hugs my ear, begging to be suckled on by a slutty vixen at The Steer. And I definitely don't want both ears pierced, because that's for pirates. Should I go for it? If so, what style should I roll with?
Sincerely,
Wet Willy
***
Dear William,
You're about as smart as you're going to look with a silly earring if you think it's O.K. to throw the word "gay" around like that. As you point out, this is the 21st century. That being said, I think you've already avoided the mainstream bro-error of fake diamond studs, which is crucial here. "Fresh" is so out, and grungy pirate (which you're totally not going to avoid here, no matter how hard you try) is making a solid comeback. What you're going for is very Eurotrashy in a 'young Johnny Depp meets starving Parisian street musician' way. But only one ear? Come on, man; sounds like you're just scared of the needle. If that's the case, then go with the quick and easy piercing gun approach provided for free with the purchase of any set of earrings at your local Claire's. There's nothing more humbling than getting your ears pierced in the presence of a horde of young girls, still glowing from their first Build-A-Bear Workshop experience, on a girls' day out at the mall. It will instantly toughen you up and prepare you for the literally painless poke of getting your earlobe pierced. My biggest concern is that you're going to end up looking like the ultimate douche lord here. I have no way of knowing what will happen without seeing the aftermath, but plain and simple, get a tattoo or something instead.
