While flat-benching the other day at Alumni Arena, I was brazenly interrupted by a loud, throaty orgasmic man-scream from another nearby bench that caused me to fumble with the bar.
While I rubbed my possibly torn lateral deltoid, I watched the gym sloth raise his flabby arms in exultation for successfully maxing-out. He let out a triumphant "Whooo!" gave high-fives to his spotter and adjacent lifters while performing some sort of celebratory dance that would only be appropriate after sacking an NFL quarterback.
There's one of these guys in every gym. Just as much as we see the thin, the trim, the scrawny, the strong, the bulky and the buxom on the treadmills and pumping weights, we recognize an equally varied assortment of personalities in the gym.
The weight room is one of those perfect laboratories to observe all the repugnant and objectionable qualities of the human species. Here's a list of eight different personalities that you are sure to bump into at any gym.
1. The Old Guy. There's always that one old guy who roams around the gym with those nasty low-cut bicycle shorts and some pathetic excuse for a T-shirt (sometimes no wider than a thong), which exposes his sagging pectorals and a chest that's shaggier than a sheepdog.
The old guy's locker room etiquette is equally disturbing, since he refuses to conceal his antiquated manhood by stubbornly strutting around with a towel slung over his shoulder instead of around his waist.
2. The Frequenter. This guy is there 24/7. No matter what time you go to the gym he's there. I'm convinced that he lives somewhere in the gym like the Phantom in the opera house.
The Frequenter knows everyone by name and has a jovial nature, at ease in his natural habitat. He looks in shape, but oddly enough you never see him pick up a weight since he spends all his time socializing.
3. The Beach Babe. She's hot and she knows it. Scantily draped in no more than crotch-riding short-shorts and a sports bra, the Beach Babe shamelessly flaunts herself around the gym like a strumpet on a city street corner.
This hussy is a game-playing minx who has nothing better to do with her time than distract men and discourage other females who are trying to improve their physiques.
4. The Sloth. This one is my personal favorite. He's commonly of a heavyset build with big, jiggling arms that he tries to pass off as muscles by rolling up his sleeves an extra inch or two. The sloth is also too good for a towel; so all subsequent lifters get to workout in his sweaty swamp of DNA.
He only does 2-3 reps each set, rarely extending all the way down, and moans like a Nordic barbarian on every lift. After the gym, he'll brag to his friends about how much he "put up," which is a ludicrous aggrandizement of what he actually did.
5. The Model. It looks as if this guy is dressed for the runway at the next Hollister fashion show. He has a $90 form-fitting tee, gym gloves, designer socks, and his hair is perfectly primped for the occasion. He also does some of the most unusual workouts like bench-pressing on Swiss balls and cable exercises with extravagantly priced equipment he brought from home. This guy loves mirrors and will flex and squeeze his muscles like he's feeling for the ripeness of a tomato.
6. The Know-It-All. He thinks he's the expert and he lets everyone know it. He commonly intrudes by striking up conversation about different workout programs and techniques.
He doesn't hesitate approaching women and he shows them precisely how to lift by guiding their bodies into the right motion, borderline molesting them.
7. The Hulk. This guy is just a beast and he never talks to anyone. He's the biggest guy in the gym with arms the size of midgets and a neck that could stop a guillotining.
He puts up an inhuman amount of weight and you question whether he's on steroids. But you dare not ask because he could squash your head like a grape between his thumb and forefinger.
8. The Couple. They usually come to the gym together and do all the same exercises. They're always giggling like idiots and exchanging small, revolting love pecks between sets: possibly the most nauseating gym personality.
Photo: Courtesy of Matthew Messina, from the RMBERS' Instagram page
