Getting a B.S. in dishwashing

How majoring in dishwashing can change your life


The following column is a satire piece and should be taken as such.

Dishwashing is the dream job.

It offers 100 percent job security and great pay. It is a career field respected by all, but pursued by few, just because of the sheer difficulty of the craft.

At UB, the dishwashing major is one of the most popular and challenging degrees offered. When I first arrived at UB, I had no idea what I wanted to do, so on a whim, I chose to pursue a B.S. in dishwashing.

Now, as a graduate of UB’s dishwashing program, I have gone on after graduation to wash dishes for a total of two separate restaurants. I feel that UB truly prepared me for a career of washing dishes.

As someone who is now in the work force, I can offer advice, to the best of my abilities, for UB students on how to land the dream dishwashing job.

UB’s B.S. in dishwashing is a one-of-a-kind program.

From day one, hands-on experience is prioritized.

Because sinks and dirty dishes aren’t covered by UB’s tuition, students in the dishwashing major pay a little extra to participate in an internship partnership with local fast food restaurants.

But honestly, in the long run, what’s another $450 student fee?

At first, it felt stupid to me. I was just a young freshman at the time and I would often have thoughts like: “It doesn’t make sense to learn how to wash dishes by dishwashing in a restaurant. Obviously, the best way to learn how to do a job isn’t to actually do that job, but to read words about it.”

But slowly, I started to realize the importance of the internship.

For me, this was the most significant part of my education.

Instead of reading about scrubbing dishes clean, you get to really learn it in a live setting. Immediately, students will learn the right and wrong way to do things.

This might seem daunting to you now, but trust me: The learning curve is low.

The biggest myth that was dispelled when I took my internship is the actual difficulty of dishwashing.

Because of the prestigious repetition and above-poverty-line pay grade, one might think dishwashing would be a complex affair. In reality, it’s not that hard.

It’s kind of like law school. The education is absurdly difficult, but in the actual career field, 90 percent of cases are settled out of court.

Dishwashing is the same way. There are all these classes like the Theory of Dishwashing and the History of Scrubbing Techniques. But in the end all that matters is how well you can scrub dishes – history has nothing to do with it.

You learn a lot to do a little.

When learning, I broke dishwashing down into two steps.

Step one: Wash dishes.

This step is the only actual work that needs to be done.

Beyond dishwashing, the real benefits of being a dishwasher are only apparent when you are done washing dishes.

Step two: Reap the rewards of being a dishwasher.

As a dishwasher, you are the most well respected and most important employee, without a doubt. Managers will completely ignore you out of respect – they know they need you more than you need them. Servers will bring you all of the leftovers from clearing tables – not a minute goes by that dishwashers don’t have all the food they want.

Sometimes, if it is really busy, bussers will even be told to help you wash dishes – literally, as a dishwasher, people will help do your job for you.

Of course, a job isn’t all fun and games. The more you put into it, the more you get out of it.

I will always treasure my education. I don’t know where I would be if I never went to UB.

Before, I was just a broke, lost college student who didn’t know what I wanted to do.

And now look at me: a full-time dishwasher making $15,000 a year.