Editor’s note: This article is a satire piece and should be taken as such.
Dear Anne:
During Family Weekend, I brought my parents to C3 for dinner. They want to know where the canal at the dish return leads. I don’t really know, so I was hoping you could help us out.
Dear Misguided Reader:
Well, like an everyday ordinary member of the mediocrity, you could listen to the “official” story, which is that the water goes around and around, collecting the food scraps and napkins to use for compost. Or, you could use your brain, do some free thinking and listen to me.
Hearken, children, to the legend of the unfortunate TA whose tie got caught in the canal while he emptied his plate of the remnants of a calzone. He was pulled into the canal system, and 20 minutes later, he bobbed up in the lake.
Haven’t you ever wondered why the lake water is so gray?
Dear Anne:
I am so sick of my dorm room. My half of the room is like 3 cubic feet of space. I need more room for things like a fridge, a printer, my textbooks and all of my stuff. I have no space to move around and it’s getting claustrophobic in there. Do you have any space-saving advice?
Dear Misguided Reader:
Turn to a life of crime. In prison, you’ll likely get a bigger room. You’ll even have your own bathroom right in the cell. And did I mention the free food plan? It meets federal standard guidelines, so you won’t have to worry about nutrition. There are numerous other benefits, as well: Free medical service, free dental plan and free use of the gym.
Need to walk from block to block? The prison will provide a free escort. They’ll even shop for clothing for you, all in the latest criminal trends. You’ll never have to worry about being dressed more shabbily than your peers again.
If you commit a particularly inventive crime, you could even score all of this for life.
Aim high, my friends and you, too, might win your very own room in solitary confinement at Attica.
The best part of all is that you won’t have to ever worry about break-ins, because your security system will be the best money can buy.
Want terrible advice? Email your questions to features@ubspectrum.com
