"Don't Ask Anne: Geese, Friends and Food"

Editor’s note: This article is a satire piece and should be taken as such.

Dear Anne:

I’m a freshman and I want to make a lot of friends and have a great college experience. The problem is that I’m really shy and anxious about meeting new people. How can I put myself out there and get involved while staying inside my comfort zone?

Dear Misguided Writer:

From your faulty perspective, you see your shyness as the problem. That is utterly wrong. The problem here is that you think you need to have friends. You think that loneliness is the enemy. What you don’t see is that the anxiety is a part of you. You are perfect the way you are. Don’t deny your shyness. Give in to it. Don’t step outside your dorm room. Don’t even look at your roommate. Wall yourself inside your closet brick by brick, ‘Cask of Amontillado’-style, with plenty of rations. If all goes well, you’ll last the semester without coming into contact with a single person, your shyness will have reached its full potential and you’ll be a better you. Good luck.

Dear Anne:

I’ve noticed that there are a lot of geese on campus and they don’t appear to be friendly. Whenever I walk near the lake, they start stalking me. It’s creepy. How do I avoid the geese?

Dear Misguided Writer:

Unfortunately, we cannot get rid of the geese. Whenever a campus decides to have a body of water, it must play host to whatever aggressive wildlife comes with it. But you can avoid being stalked by them in two ways.

First, always walk alone. This ensures that if a goose attacks you, nobody else will witness your embarrassment and take pictures of the attack with their phone.

Second, assert your dominance over the geese. Approach them directly and assuredly. You are twice their size and they don’t even have real teeth. Turn the tables and stalk the geese instead and they will surely bow before you.

Bonus points if you find a goose nest and stalk that.

You’ll never have a problem with geese again.

Dear Anne:

I have the ‘any 14 meal plan’ and I hate it. I’m starving all the time! I know I missed the deadline for changing the food plans and that’s on me, but can you give me any advice as to where and how to get snacks?

Dear Misguided Writer:

This is the problem with young people today. They feel so entitled to things like “food.”

Back in my day, young people were expected to hunt and kill our own food with the sharpened bones of the food we had hunted and killed yesterday. Instead of waiting around for someone to install a vending machine in your room, get up and take some initiative.

It has recently come to my attention that there is a surplus of geese on campus.

Find a sharp stick and get to it.

Want terrible advice? Email your questions to features@ubspectrum.com