Editor's note: This article is satirical and is not meant to be taken literally.
Dear Carson,
I'm in love. For the first time in my life, I've met a woman as interesting and mature as I am. Her independence, success and intelligence have ignited a fire in my heart that not even a shower beneath the mighty falls of Niagara could extinguish. She's interested in art, culture and the current state of affairs in places that make the cover of publications like The New York Times.She's not afraid to take a firm stance on a topic of debate, regardless of what others in a group may be saying. She is fierce like Anna Karenina at the beginning of Tolstoy's great novel. We are acquainted rather closely as colleagues, but she is so mysterious that I can't seem to tell if she's picked up on any of my advances. I've chosen to remain slightly aloof and not push it to the point where my intentions are too obvious. The problem? She's my professor. I'm not intimidated by the fact that she's 25 years my senior, but there are certainly some rules being broken if I make a move, and perhaps even more if she returns my serve. Once in office hours, she stroked my leg after telling me how much she enjoyed my thesis on Last Tango in Paris. How do I get what I want without going too far?
Sincerely,
A bad man
***
Dear Man,
Quite the saucy affair you're getting into. I'd love to read your thesis on Last Tango sometime, but I digress ... The "leg stroke" is what we need to focus on here. Given the already suggestive nature of the paper she was advising you on, this gesture is essentially your professor making the only move she can make right now. Your dreamed-up affair isn't going to go down like a scene in some mainstream porno where you come in after class for being a naughty boy and she has you make up for it by going at it like two gorillas at the zoo. This woman is a fine wine who isn't getting uncorked at home, so to speak, and you've got to treat this situation with equal parts refinement and lusty passion. Decant her with your youthful vigor and sip slowly, my boy. For her to do anything more at this point puts her at a serious risk for losing her job and ruining her life on multiple levels; therefore, it's up to you to step up your own game with a subtle yet confident advance that shows you're ready to be the "bad man" you claim to be. This all being said, the Anna Karenina comparison is an interesting one - don't be a Vronsky and go foolishly meddling with a happy family. I say go for it, but know what you're getting into first. Mention that you'd like to go over this paper again at Caf?(c) Aroma, where coffee time can quickly turn into martini time. Take the party back to your dorm, and let your love unfurl.
Photo: The Spectrum Archives
