Editor's note: This article is satirical and is not meant to be taken literally.
Dear Carson,
As the resident hipster at The Spectrum, you are the omniscient presence that guides a massive readership into the realm of new-wave original swag, holding our hands in unity in a band of defiance before the mainstream with a PBR-can wizard staff the size of Gandalf's member - do you get offended when someone else tries to take on that role? Recently, Generation Magazine published an article entitled "Hipster Dads," and although it was well written, with snippets of chuckle-worthy humor, it is clearly a rip-off of your column. For two semesters now, we have turned to you above all other sources for infinite wisdom, and this lame attempt at exploring the origins of our edgy subculture feels forced and half-assed. My soul is deeper than my father's wardrobe - this writer doesn't know my life. What do you think, and what should we be reading?
Sincerely,
Comme des Confused
***
Dear Confused,
I am in no position to take down Generation Magazine like you might expect me to, and here's why: they are cooler than The Spectrum. The big, bad Spectrum carries an air of superiority that extends from their thrice-weekly, biased print jobs through their office and into the clique they roll with to local Buffalo hotspots like The U. I am simply here for damage control. If I wanted to write for the cool, already established underground publication, I would be with Generation, but my job is to save the most mainstream publication on campus from journalistic suicide. From their hoity-toity, pseudo intellectual, pompous, Ivy League-wannabe Editorial Editor, to Aaron Mansfield, a self-righteous brosephine with no backbone, The Spectrum acts as if it has the biggest readership on campus, the best writers, a legitimate social presence, all while yapping about a "we told it first" claim to fame that suggests people turn to them for real news. The opposite it true. Generation is and always has been gnarlier with a blas?(c) attitude toward this style of journalism. They keep it trill with a bi-monthly publication, featured literary ventures and unique stuff that is just funzies to skim and/or read when you're cuddled up in Aroma Caf?(c) with your buds or watching foreign films at home with your kitties. The writer attacking the topic I consider my life's work will go down in the hipster canon as a "must-read." She uses "PBR" and "mustache" well, although a defiance of AP style with usage of the more hip, more French, spelling of "moustache" would have been cooler. She even sprinkles in "clandestinely" - a classic Carson move. If you're not whipping out a dictionary at least once while reading one of my columns, then you're in no need of guidance, my friend - you've made it. Shouts out to Generation for joining the good fight and repping our set with legitimate intents and purposes.
Photo: The Spectrum Archives
