Editor's note: This article is satirical and is not meant to be taken literally. 'Carson' is a pen name.
Dear Carson,
I used to think I was every girl's dream catch. I'm smart and funny, and I have a good sense of style. I'm nice, but I'm not too nice. I'm like the guy that Vince Vaughn perfectly describes in the 1996 classic, Swingers - I'm "the guy in the rated-R movie, you know, the guy you're not sure whether or not you like yet. You're not sure where he's coming from." Well, Vince, it's not working. I get no action whatsoever. This strategy might be "money" for a guy in the real adult dating world, but it doesn't translate to the college party scene. What I need is the juicehead game. The Dom Mazzetti game. The game that's going to get some wild, dirty, slutty creatures to come home from South Campus to my dorm with me at the end of the night. Above all, I need muscles. The tools I see bringing home all the girls probably major in communication and struggle to choose between their favorite TAPOUT or Ed Hardy garment during "t-shirt time" before the bar, but it works. These guys put up 225 at least eight times for three sets, and right now I'm maxing out at 10 pushups. I ask that you reserve your judgment on my morals and ethics with regard to sleeping around - do you want me to be the next 40-year-old virgin? Help me get big ASAP.
Sincerely,
The Little Guy
***
Dear Guy,
I can't believe you thought I would judge you for trying to get your mate on ... come on, bro! I think I've said before that monogamous relationships are wickedly mainstream. What I do question here is your specific plan for getting in the sack with the she-devils of Main Street. The fact that this is the gene pool you're choosing from is disconcerting, but let's accept that you might really be a tool without even realizing it - I'm not here to judge. I actually really dig the Vince Vaughn thing you're talking about, but if pumping it up is your chosen path, I'll give you the best advice I have: Ditch the gym entirely. Hitting the weights, wasting your dough at GNC and shaving your body hair is for the birds. Chicks dig big dudes because they spark an instinct for sexual selection. The more dominant you come off to a potential mate, the more likely she is to let you get it in. Having muscles is a part of that, but being too big is way mainstream. A few years ago, I would have suggested Insanity or CrossFit for getting ripped, but that's quickly become the midlife crisis of choice for every soccer mom that retired after her third kid was born. Let's get you on my Concrete Jungle Playground Pump Plan. This is perfect for a college student busy with lots of work and partying. Essentially, every time you see an ideal branch on a tree, do some pull-ups; every time you pass a playground, do some dips; every time you see something heavy, pick it up. Use your surroundings! You'll be feeling the pump in no time, bro. Arnold Schwarzenegger once said, "The greatest feeling you can get in the gym is the pump. It's as satisfying to me as cumming is." With my plan, you'll be cumming in no time.
