Comme des Carson - Mend your mainstream mistakes

The Spectrum

Dear Carson,

Chicks hate me. I guess I'm an average-looking dude, but I don't really do anything interesting that attracts attention from girls. I go out occasionally, but I mostly keep to myself. I'm not trying to "slay the dragon" with every girl I meet, but I'd really love to find a pretty girlfriend. The one thing I am really good at it is playing guitar, but I've always been too shy to try to play in front of anyone besides my really close friends. I think I might start getting noticed by the ladies if I play some open mics and get myself out there. I want to show people that I have a talent and a cool one at that. Because I get really nervous to perform and I've never done this before, I figured a good place to start would be the open mic on Wednesday nights at Perks in the Ellicott Food Court - low key, low crowd expectations and tons of girls coming in and out. I play all kinds of music, but I think it's best to play some stuff people will know: Mumford & Sons, Oasis (can't go wrong with "Wonderwall") and John Mayer. I'm interested to know what you think about this plan as a way to finally start getting noticed by girls. Also, what's a good way to take the edge off my stage fright? Any tips? Help!


At My Window, Sad and Lonely

Dear Sad and Lonely,

I hate you, too. Just kidding, but seriously ... I understand you're totes lame like most people, but why are you going to make this painfully known to the world by nervously slam-banging mainstream filth on your acoustic guitar? The three artists you mentioned are straight garbage. These are the same three mainstream fools that every other Joe Blow with any strumming ability turns to with exactly the same goal as you. I'll fill you in on a little secret: you're not going to get any girl's attention unless you stand out from the crowd. I recommend you either come off as a psychotic, drug-infused punk rocker by giving your best shot at something by Iggy Pop, or you could try to pull off the introverted tortured artist with something by Elliott Smith. I'm getting Elliott Smith vibes from you; check out his songs "No Name #3" and "Between the Bars" for starters. As for Perks as your starting place, think again. The atmosphere is all wrong. You want dim lights, attentive ears and snaps - not claps. Perks, with its hospital waiting-room atmosphere coupled with dreadful coffee selections, is not right for you. Go out and find a real open mic in Buffalo. Finally, nothing can completely take the edge off your stage fright, so man up and drink some PBR. Godspeed.