Comme des Carson - Mend your mainstream mistakes

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The Spectrum

Editor's note: This article is a satire piece. It is not to be taken literally. 'Carson' is a pen name

Dear Carson,

I was really sick over spring break, which left me alone in my room while my friends were all on vacation someplace warm. I was on my computer for the whole week, and besides the obvious porn sesh before bed every night, I read some blogs, tweeted a bunch and Netflix'd my way through eight seasons of Grey's Anatomy. The worst part was seeing the photos from everyone's vacation go up on Facebook. I saw countless body shots, beach volleyball and babes -my newsfeed was basically a Girls Gone Wild photo gallery. After hours and hours online, I realized that I was missing out on epic times with my friends, but I realized something else: Facebook is boring. I feel like checking it all the time is just a bad habit rather than an important social exercise. I didn't understand it until all I did for a week was creep and 'like' photos of people who were actually out doing fun stuff. Twitter seems kind of lame, too ... Who cares what you and I or anyone else can say in fewer than 140 characters? Maybe I've just overloaded my system, but I'm wondering what your take on social media is.

Sincerely,

Home Alone

Dear Home Alone,

I won't even say what you're expecting me to say ... Facebook isn't mainstream. At this point, it is so uncool to have a Facebook that it's actually not mainstream at all. Hipsters will come back to it soon enough when they realize no one has it anymore, but for now, the 'Book is in a terribly awkward between-phase of cool and uncool that leaves no good reason to have one. Who wants to be exposed 24/7 for the entire world to see? Facebook is a source of constant haunting from the past where 'future employers' and probably your parents (the last demographic to get in on anything created by the youth before it officially dies) can access photos of that time you did bumps of coke while you were in line to go see Fantasia 2000 or the time you licked a subway window for a sip of some homeless guy's 40 oz. If you don't have that kind of dirt for people to go digging in, then your Facebook is boring and you probably just whack it to photos of your sister's best friends and cry a lot (I think this is kind of where you fall in). There's endless debate and philosophical inquiry as to why Facebook, Twitter, etc., will be the last dagger that finishes off meaningful, human social interaction, but let's just acknowledge that your "realization" shows there's hope for us kiddos after all. You may not care what people think about your past, and you may not realize that you're boring, but what social media boils down to is just a fake source of fun. This isn't to create some false sense of rose-tinted "better times" in the past where people got along better and did more fun stuff, but social media lacks any spark of creativity and coolness that we should all want from our relationships with the world ... that is unless, of course, you use Instagram -totally swag, totally acceptable, totally chill.