UB officials are guarding the details of the search to replace President John B. Simpson as if their lives depended on it. Come on, UB! What are you hiding? The recipe for Coca-Cola? Other schools, such as Buffalo State College, typically reveal the finalists for the position before making the conclusive decision.
The Buffalo News reported that Provost Satish K. Tripathi is one of two finalists for the position, but I'm not so sure, especially since the committee refused to affirm or deny the story, in keeping with its strategy of saying (and, apparently, doing) absolutely nothing.
Here's who I think should be considered for the prestigious honor of leading our university:
1. Charlie Sheen
The obvious choice. He broke the record for being the fastest person to reach one million Twitter followers, so the guy's obviously got some influence in the world. Additionally, he has become known of late for his rampant partying and drug use, which would allow him to relate to your average college student.
Concerned that he is too irresponsible? Worried about his battles in court with women who say he threatened and beat them? Ease up – Ben Folds says it best: "Ya'll don't know what it's like being male, middle-class, and white." Lawrence Taylor and Lindsay Lohan are the ones deserving of the criticism. Sheen is only a victim.
He'd also bring clarity to the uncertain future of the UB 2020 plan. Sheen would redefine and simplify its goal, which would be to simply survive until 2020.
2. Arnold Schwarzenegger
An ambiguous group of people selected him as UB's "Student Choice Speaker," so the ambiguous group of people on the committee should have no problem making him our president. He was the governor of California, so he has leadership experience, and he attempted to navigate the Golden State through a budget crisis, which will prove useful as we deal with budget cuts here in New York.
This will also strengthen Schwarzenegger's résumé for the All-Time Most Random Collection of Jobs Held Award – the other nominations are Jesse Ventura and Peter Griffin.
If you're doubting Schwarzenegger's legitimacy as a candidate, do me a favor. Put on your best Arnold voice, and loudly say, "You Bee, Twanty Twanty. De Future Iz Upon Us." I'm sure that I've now convinced you.
3. Marv Levy
Not gonna lie, this is my personal choice for UB's next president.
(Side note: Did you ever realize that when people say "not gonna lie," they usually follow with something that would be ridiculous to lie about? Like, "Not gonna lie, I'm really hungry right now." As if the thought of lying occurred to you, and you righteously shot it down and had to tell everyone.)
Anyway, who better but the Hall-of-Fame former coach of the Buffalo Bills to lead Buffalo's largest university? He's basically the only person of all time to find consistent success as the leader of the Bills, so maybe he can bring some of that magic to UB. Like Sheen, he'd have to simply survive until 2020 to make UB 2020 a success.
Can't you see him now, giving his first speech as president of UB, saying, "Where else would you rather be than right here, right now?"
We'd all have to awkwardly think to ourselves, "Well, actually Marv… a lot of places."
Of course, this is all pure speculation. I don't truly know who will be selected as UB's next president. But I am sure of one thing: no matter who gets selected, the College Republicans will definitely demand to see his or her birth certificate.
E-mail: luke.hammill@ubspectrum.com
This article was written as a piece of satire and should be taken as such.
