Anyone north of the Mason Dixon line will argue that racing is not a sport. We at The Spectrum, however, disagree.
In the first ever Spectrum "Mario Kart" tournament, Assistant Sports Editor Luke Hammill defeated Editor-in-Chief Steve Marth, 4-0, in a best of seven-game series at 150 CC. Things got heated in the Conference Room and by the end of the tournament, the controllers were dripping wet with hand sweat.
"I was just on my game today," Hammill said. "There's good days and bad days in the world of ‘Mario Kart,' and today just so happened to be a good day. I benefited from a few timely ghosts and a couple of strategically placed banana peels propelled me to victory. I'm just honored to win this trophy. It's undoubtedly my most prized possession and will stay close to me at the office next year. I look forward to defending my title next year."
First Round
Starting off the afternoon, Sports Editor and Editor-in-Chief-elect Andrew Wiktor defeated Assistant Arts Editor James Twigg in a clean sweep, 2-0. Playing as the elegant Peach, Wiktor made easy work of Twigg's Toad character at Koopa Troopa Beach and Toad's Turnpike.
"It was a good start to the day, but I have a long way to go," Wiktor said. "Twigg was complaining about the controller's joystick, but you know what they say about excuses – they're like a**holes, everybody has one and they're all full of s***."
Marth, impressed the competition with the day's second clean sweep over Life Editor Rachel Lamb. A costly mistake of early lightning bolt usage by Lamb sent Marth into the second round.
In a shocking turn of events, No. 1 seed Editorial Editor Jacob Shillman fell in Goliath fashion to Hammill, 2-0. Shillman, racing as Toad, was unable to keep up with the shifty Yoshi, Hammill's character of choice.
Per the higher seed's request, the competitors faced off in race one at Wario Stadium. The turning point on the extremely competitive course was a simple banana peel strategically placed at the edge of the major gap on the dirt road. With the competitors neck and neck, Shillman's right front tire caught the edge of the peel and he spiraled into the gap.
Hammill took full advantage of Shillman's mistake and crossed the finish line nearly a quarter of a lap in front of the heavily favored Toad.
Hoping to even the series at two, the racers faced off at Bowser's Castle in the second event. But once again, the underdog Yoshi was able to capitalize on several Shillman mistakes to finish first, thus eliminating the top seed in the Moe Region.
"I just didn't have it today," Shillman said. "It's just one of those days where nothing goes right. Luke was a very good driver and the fact that he was a lower seed did not reflect his racing abilities. It also didn't help that the lightning bolts and spiked shells weren't falling my way. I'd say there's next year, but being that I'm graduating, I'm officially retiring from the ‘Mario Kart' circuit. It has been a great run, but I'm no Brett Favre. I know when to call it quits."
In the second mild upset of the first round, Assistant Sports Editor, Christy Suhr, made a statement to all male competitors that the ladies were ready to play.
After splitting the first two races with Assistant Photo Editor Rob Schulz, Suhr upset Schulz in race three at Rainbow Road. Playing as Mario, Schulz was gunned down by a red shell from Suhr in lap three to win the series, 2-1.
"I did it for all the women out there," Suhr said. "I wanted to make a statement early in the tournament and I think I did that. Peach is here to stay."
Coming into the afternoon, Arts Desk was a heavily favored crew to take home the top prize. But by the sixth race of the day, two members had been eliminated.
Thanks to a last-second super mushroom, Photo Editor Clinton Hodnett made a final burst past Arts Editor Eric Hilliker at Rainbow Road in race three.
After splitting races at Wario Stadium and Royal Raceway, the two competitors took it to the rainbow to settle an intense rivalry. Neck and neck through three and a half laps, it was one final mystery box pickup by Hodnett that sealed Hilliker's fate. As Hilliker watched Hodnett cross the finish line, he slammed his controller down to the ground in a rage.
But the winner had no sympathy for his lesser.
"Not in my house," Hodnett said.
The race did not come and go without controversy, however, as Hilliker immediately accused his opponent of steroid usage prior to the event.
"I may or may not have evidence that Clinton was on steroids," Hilliker said. "I feel like I let myself, my family and my friends down. This is a whole lot of malarkey."
Arts Desk would once again lose one of their representatives as bitter rivals Jameson Butler and Vanessa Frith faced off. In a battle of Assistant Art Editors, the competitors split the first two races at Wario Stadium before taking it to the rainbow to settle the score.
Frith fell behind in the second lap after hitting numerous road bombs as Butler pulled away. A flawless race by Butler as Toad eliminated his adversary with ease, finishing nearly eight seconds ahead of Frith's Luigi.
A crippled Senior Arts Editor Chris DiMatteo then fell quickly to Managing Editor Matt Mosher, 2-0, adding insult to injury.
The final first round matchup pitted two bitter rivals in the most highly anticipated contest of the day.
Sports Editor Joe Paterno abused the good heart of Managing Editor Dave "DJ Squid" Sanchirico. After losing in game one by less than a second, Paterno turned Squid's sportsmanship against him.
"I had a solid lead heading into the major gap at Wario Stadium, but Squid had the lightning bolt, which could have sealed my fate and sent me home," Paterno said. "He's a good man, but a lousy competitor and his foolishness cost him the game. Amateur."
Sanchirico regrets his poor decision-making.
"Un-clutch decision making on my part – that's not me. JoePa is a good racer, but I had him," Sanchirico said. "He doesn't deserve to be on the same track as me."
After defeating Sanchirico at Wario Stadium, the two headed to Rainbow Road, where Paterno made easy work of Squid to take the series, 2-1.
Second Round
Butler defeats Hodnett, 2-0.
Hammill defeats Mosher, 2-0.
Marth defeats Wiktor, 2-0.
Paterno defeats Suhr, 2-0.
Semi-Finals
Marth defeats Butler, 2-0.
Hammill defeats Paterno, 2-0
Final
After nearly an hour layover due to the Nintendo 64 overheating, Marth and Hammill went head-to-head to determine the championship. Both racers entered the final contest with undefeated streaks on the line as neither man had failed to lose a race throughout the tournament.
Playing as Yoshi, the No. 8 seed Hammill jumped out to a quick start in race one after defeating Marth's Donkey Kong with ease. Hammill followed up his performance with another easy victory at Moo Moo Farm in race two to take a 2-0 series advantage.
After suffering his first losses of the day, a shaken Marth was not able to find his rhythm for the remainder of the series. Due to two falls into the lava at Bowser's Castle, Marth dug himself a 3-0 series deficit, and was ultimately swept by the underdog Hammill after falling behind swiftly at Luigi Speedway.
Hammill went 10-0 on the afternoon en route to winning the first ever "Mario Kart" championship.
E-mail: sports@ubspectrum.com
