...Or are you just happy to see me?

You may not have noticed, but there has been something popping up on campus.
The giant snow phallus of the University at Buffalo, or Sir Richard Johnson III, Esq. as the Facebook group tells me, has been the largest thing to hit campus since a fake gunman or a girl who replied to the entire financial aid listserv.
Now, there are skeptics out there who don't understand why a giant snow penis is so important. Sure, it was funny for a day or two, but college students are surely above childish things like a snow penis, right?
I could have possibly believed that explanation – before the second one was erected.
Snow phalluses, penis drawings in bathroom stalls, punching people in the testicles – each bring out a certain amount of uneasy humor.
Is it just human nature to laugh when we see penis humor in socially unacceptable places?
One day I decided I would pay Sir Richard Johnson a visit to find an answer. I knelt in front of him, gave a small offering and waited for a little divine inspiration. I would not sleep until I realized the truth.
Why is the snow phallus so … awesome?
The first step I took involved me throwing my heterosexuality to the wind and Google searching penises. To my shock, I learned that there is an art behind the madness of the snow phallus.
The ancient Egyptians actually told a legend of a godly penis. The story goes that Osiris was once dismembered into 14 parts. 13 of the parts were able to be recovered. The missing piece … well, you could probably guess what part that was.
Unfortunately for Osiris, his phallus was eaten by the god Set. Thankfully, another god named Isis crafted him a new soldier, but the legend of the phallus was growing (no pun intended).
So, is the snow phallus awesome because it's godly?
In Rome, people would wear phallus amulets because it defended them from the evil eye. Romans believed that these kinds of amulets, called "fascinums," would keep them safe.
Awkward penis humor has been scaring people for millennia.
The English word "fascinating" is based on the Latin word "fascinum." I want to know who the guy is in history that made that decision. He must have been fascinated by phalluses.
So is the snow phallus awesome just because it scares away evil people?
By the time this will be printed, Sir Richard Johnson III, Esq. will be long gone. Western New York is warm for a change, so the snow penis will definitely be having a hard time avoiding shrinkage.
However, that doesn't mean that we need to forget all the great memories that a big penis in the middle of a field caused us to experience.
I believe that the snow phallus was awesome because it was universally enjoyed (even by straight guys). Some people like to say that music is the universal language, but giant snow penises must be a close second.
No matter what language people speak, everybody knows what's up when there's a penis around.
So to the anonymous creators of the snow phallus, I applaud you. You are the reason that UB is awesome, and if you had a snow offering area like Sir Richard Johnson III, Esq., I would tithe for you.
Thank you.

E-mail: sneilans@buffalo.edu