???Researchers from the Department of Biological Sciences announced on Monday the implementation of a new study giving students the chance to smoke a blut and help find possible performance-enhancing benefits of marijuana.
???Francis Otto, a professor in the department and head of the research team, said he and his colleagues were compelled to file for a research grant after a photograph of Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps using drug paraphernalia was made public.
???"We wanna know if he won medals and stuff because he was caught smoking," Otto, a self-proclaimed cannabis connoisseur, said. "We like just really wanted to see if the dope had anything to do with it."
???The team plans to research the use of cannabis for increasing hand-eye coordination, energy and food intake levels in athletic competition.
???"We're looking to see how fast they can move when they're high as kites, man," Otto said.
???Otto appeared eager to lead his team of 10 into their investigation of the drug. Otto explained that marijuana is a psychoactive drug, known to distort the user's perception, mobility and improve driving skills.
???Otto and his team will compile results based upon previous and comprehensive studies that examined the use of medical marijuana. The trials were here held in the Dorsheimer Laboratory and Greenhouse (DORSHE) to test student-athletes. Two groups were tested, one given a placebo, and the other marijuana, and were then put through a series of experiments.
???According to Otto, the Institute of Medicine examined the use of marijuana for athletic competition. It was reported that the active ingredient in marijuana, tetrahydrocannabinol, has the ability to enhance athletic performance by slowing down the users perception, similar to the Matrix movies.
???"If we can get our guys to start moving like Neo it would be really rad for our football team," Otto said.
???He admits that the use of medical marijuana is a widely supported issue. Various studies published indicate that marijuana has medical value in treating those suffering from illnesses such as AIDS, cancer, multiple sclerosis, glaucoma and chronic pain, and if you can't sleep, it will definitely make you tired.
???"Hey man, we're just here to run tests, collect the data, do stuff and help smoke some really great herb. I'm kind of pumped, dude, that Michael Phelps got caught with that bong," Otto said. "Now we can light it up and get paid for it."
???Thrilled by the prospect, Otto admitted he would open this research to undergraduate students here at UB. As test subjects, students must be willing to live in the laboratory for two months, smoke marijuana through their apparatus of choice and stay in an isolated room for three hours at a time while listening to Dave Matthews Band and watching BioDome on a 60-inch plasma TV. Students would be compensated for their work at the end of the study in Cheetos.
???When asked how students can apply for the study, Otto laughed and shook his head.
???"I remember when I was at this Phish concert I was eating Funyons and I dropped one in the water. And it struck me man, Michael Phelps swims in water," Otto said and then spaced out for five minutes. "Is that lamp looking at me?"
???Students are eager to participate and many potheads on campus are actually eager to do something that could be construed as productive.
???"UB is basically going to give me free weed?" said Lenny Horford-Chitz. "Finally, UB is giving back to their students. Sign me up!'"
???Although testing is still in its initial phase, Otto and his research team feel confident that they will see positive results over the next few months. The team hopes to make a difference with their findings and will continue to research the use of marijuana as a performance-enhancing drug.
???"No matter the results," Otto said, "I'm hopeful that I can grow some killer weed, get a tasty buzz, jam out to some great tunes and show people all they can do with 'yes-I-can-ibis.' "
Additional Reporting by L. Ron Hubbard
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