Oh Monday night TV, how you never fail to impress us with your redundant line-ups. And this Monday was no different.
After watching the Yankees lose their highly anticipated home opener against the Baltimore Orioles, eyes turned to watch MTV to bring us yet another excessively dramatized and obscenely over-paid brat pack. The Hills returnswith a vengeance for a fifth season.
The whole gang is back and ready to vegetate our brains with their pointless antics and answer those lingering questions left from season four. Will Heidi actually go through and legalize her attempted Mexican marriage to Spencer? Are Audrina and her joke of a boyfriend with two first names Justin Bobby finally going to make it work? And will the Laguna princess LC finally find some much needed love?
With all the drama that filled our screens over the seasons, season five has so far proven to be just as ridiculous as the previous. This two-part opener is based around Lauren's impending 23rd birthday and how her conglomerate of spoiled pseudo-debutants decide to take matters into their own hands and throw her a surprise bash on a multi-million dollar boat that every 20-something-year old can afford.
Only in La La Land would any of this happen. But it wouldn't be The Hills without Barbie hybrid Heidi coming in and stealing LC's thunder. Stomping all over Lauren's expensive parade, unwelcome Heidi crashes and cries as she pathetically attempts to get Laruen back.
The clearly intoxicated Lauren does what any uncomfortable ex-friend would do, pretend to care about Heidi's latest Spencer drama and give her the all-too-obvious advice that she is wasting her time on him. She also pronounces that the two can never really be friends because Heidi chose Spencer over their friendship.
Lauren and Heidi are not the only ones causing some trouble in the opener. Spencer found himself in some debauches and lewd behavior. How predictable for a pig who had to get his financee drunk off tequila to get her to agree to fake-marry him in Cabo. Coincidentally enough, he drinks that same liquor with a busty bartender.
How this show has made its run to five seasons is remarkable in every horrific sense of the word. For anyone who knows the restaurant industry, drinking on the job is a huge faux pas. Having it filmed on camera just proves how low class the L.A. scene really is, and how blatantly staged The Hills is.
The episodes go on to showcase how much MTV loves to waste its patrons' time with Heidi's utter desperation to get Lauren back, Spencer lack of responsibility for his selfish actions, all while his evil sister Stephanie puts in her fair share of useless input.
It all ends with all-too-witty Lauren, reflecting with boy toy and ex-friend to Mr. Pratt, Brody Jenner on the hardships fallen between them: "Did I miss the step where we became best friends again? The two people that they burned are the only two people they have to call," Lauren muses. Thank you for that.
With The Hills's reigning queen bee LC saying that this will be her last season, only those with too much time on their hands will have the pleasure of finding out what happens in her fabricated life. Previews for the rest of season only advertise more of the same juicy gossip and melodramatic tears from this club of rich kids.
