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Sunday, May 19, 2024
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"Owens brings experience, popcorn to UB Stadium"


???Apparently, the popcorn at Ralph Wilson Stadium did not compare to the same buttery snack at UB Stadium.

???After spending less than a month as a member of the Buffalo Bills organization, Terrell Owens has decided to hang up the football cleats in favor of a headset and a clipboard.

???On Tuesday, Owens announced his retirement from the National Football League at a packed pressroom in Ralph Wilson Stadium. Later in the day, Owens met with Athletic Director Warde Manuel and signed a contract to become the new wide receivers coach for the Buffalo Bulls. Terms of the contract were not disclosed.

???"This is a great opportunity for me to showcase my abilities as a breeder of young receivers," Owens said. "Who wouldn't want to learn from the best that ever played? I'm going to create the finest group of receivers since I led a decent group of Cowboys in 2008."

???Once the former Dallas Cowboys standout arrived at One Bills Drive after signing his contract, he knew the fit would not be right.

???"After I was released, I went through a tough time. The Bills were the only ones to offer me a contract and at the time I would take any paycheck, but I felt like other teams just didn't know I was a free agent, as made evident by the lack of offers," Owens said. "I immediately felt a bad vibe with my new digs. Hell, the Bills failed to give me my own office. I mean, Ralph Wilson gets his own office and that guy is nearing 110."

???Owens was willing to give his new team a try. He participated in team workouts with the other wide receivers with the team. After gaining continuity with many of his teammates, Owens felt good about the situation he was in.

???It all went downhill after a meeting with Bills head coach Dick Jauron. According to Owens, Jauron was planning on using the six-time Pro Bowler in a strict decoy role. The Bills head coach thought Owens' teammate Lee Evans would benefit greatly from the addition of Owens.

???"I don't come second to anybody. No disrespect to Lee, but I'm in a league of my own," Owens said. "I didn't come to 'North America's Team' to let Lee get some shine... No wonder Bills fans hate Dick Jauron like Scott Norwood. If No. 81 is not the main feature of your playbook, you'll fail like an OJ Simpson rally."

???While Owens was having trouble fathoming a successful tenure in Buffalo, Gill was in search of a new wide receivers coach after Juan Taylor's resignation. He wanted to get some professional experience on his staff and consulted amongst the biggest names looking for a coaching job.

???"We really want to implement a pro-style offense from that standpoint," Gill said. "Warde and I heard back from a lot of qualified candidates about the opening. They saw the success we were having here at the University at Buffalo and really wanted to be a part of our fine institution."

???Gill tossed out every other resume when he heard about Owens' situation. He quickly contacted the outspoken receiver about joining his staff.

???Owens was surprised by the offer. The thought of leaving the NFL had yet to cross his mind. After some pondering, Owens decided he had nothing to lose and set up a meeting with Gill despite his lack of knowledge of the Bulls' head coach.

???"I thought Eric Crouch was the best quarterback to come out of Nebraska," Owens said.

???But like most recruits that have stepped into Gill's office, Owens felt energized by Gill's attitude.

???"I came to see why this dude was so respected in the college football world," Owens said. "He reminded me of an older TO."

???Gill knows about Owens' tendency of being a disruption, but he is not worried that the same loudmouth receiver will cross over into the coaching ranks.

???"This is still a young man we're talking about, and he's eager for the opportunity to show what he can do as a coach here," he said.

???Gill believes the addition of Owens will help on more than one level. The charisma and recognizable name Owens possesses could play a factor in Gill's recruiting.

???"No question he will give us an edge from that standpoint," he said. "He will be able to go into the houses of recruits and convince them to join our student body and prestigious team here at the University at Buffalo."

???For Owens, the excitement is building. He has already planned a coaching style to implement on his subjects.

???"I got swagger. I look at these young men and want them to get the same swagger I used to have on the field," he said. "These receivers are going to get the best teaching they've ever received. I'm going to be in the film room and just show them my NFL highlight video every single day and watch them blossom like roses."

*April Fool's Issue Disclaimer - The content of this article was published as a "joke" and may contain invalid or false information.




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