???The Student Association announced Monday that the legendary rock band the Grateful Dead will play Spring Fest. Reactions to the news were mixed.
???"I thought Jerry Berry was dead, man," said Chris DiMatteo, junior anthropology student. "For like...fourteen years now."
???This fact has been explained in a press packet released by Greg Thomlin, the Grateful Dead's current manager, who explains that the truth behind Garcia's disappearance was less mundane than previously believed.
???"Mr. Garcia has been playing the guitar continuously since 1965 as the result of a heretofore unknown neurological condition. The Grateful Dead formed in order to provide Mr. Garcia with some semblance of a normal life," writes Thomlin. "In 1995 the pressure of maintaining the deception became too great for all involved and Mr. Garcia agreed to fake his own death in order to give everyone a break."
Thomlin later commented in greater detail on Mr. Garcia's 'resurrection' via phone.
???"Well, what the band's managers and roadies did back when the Grateful Dead were on tour was put Garcia up on stage, playing away, and whenever the rest o f the band was ready to go, they'd just turn his amp on. They'd give him a little notice and he'd just start playing whatever was appropriate. No one ever caught on as far as we know."
???Of the 'surviving' members of the Grateful Dead, Phil Lesch, Bob Weir and Bill Kreutzmann will be joining Garcia on stage, Thomlin said.
???"It just seemed that the classic configuration of the band would give them the best reception at colleges," Thomlin said. " Statistics have shown that musical taste is cycling back to the late sixties and early seventies amongst young, pseudo-educated hipsters, so we're trying to appeal to that as best we can."
???Beyond the initial confusion student reaction has been mostly positive, if a little skeptical.
???"This is bull****," said Ayla Naghsh, senior English major "UB isn't cool enough to get the Dead, let alone the Grateful Dead. It's a sham, I tells you!"
???When reached for comment SA Treasurer John Martin said that this concert is the culmination of his SA career.
???"All the 'mis-appropriations,' the perks, the midnight stripper parties I charged to the student fees, all book-keeping lies!" He yelled over the phone. "I've been diverting funds for the past eighteen months to an offshore account in Mr. Garcia's name in order to entice him to play UB, ever since I stumbled upon an inter-net myth about his continued existence and tracked him down between class and SA responsibilities. Now you can all see what I have known for years! I am Awesome!"
???Reports of Martin's awesome status could not be verified as of press time.
???Reached for comment in his New Orleans home Garcia was confident that he would make the concert date.
???"Oh, sure...I'll be there," Garcia said distractedly. The sounds of a strange fusion of funk, folk and punk rock could be heard tinkling through the tiny speaker. "Love Buffalo...you guys still have those hot wings, right? Yeah, I wouldn't miss it... Oh, but I'm not playing 'Friend of the Devil..." I got sick of everyone singing along."
???The concert will be held at Baird Point, weather permitting. If weather does not permit it will be moved to Alumni Arena. Tickets are free for UB students, $495 for non-UB students.
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*April Fool's Issue Disclaimer - The content of this article was published as a "joke" and may contain invalid or false information.
Photo: Courtesy of Laron Fomby
