???As newspapers all across the country shut down their presses in the face of decreased revenues, two weekly publications at UB appear to share the same fate.
???On Tuesday morning, Andrew Blake, editor in chief of the on-campus magazine Generation, announced that the publication is planning on permanently closing its doors at the end of the semester.
???Later that day, Student Association (SA) officials announced that the weekly SA magazine, Visions, is also in its final semester of print.
???Both publications cited financial concerns as the deciding factor for the closures.
???In recent years, Generation has suffered decreased advertisement revenues. The magazine often resorts to publishing full page ad mock-ups featuring kittens and other small animals pleading with advertisers to "BUY SUM ADZ PLZ!!!"
???"Our advertisers said something about us not being relevant or funny anymore," Blake said. "I don't know what they're talking about. People come up to me all the time and tell me they love I'm Right, You're Wrong and the personals."
???SA officials cited different financial concerns for their decision to shut down Visions.
???"We found out that our iPhone bills and our big parties in Toronto cost a little bit more than we thought," said SA Treasurer John Martin. "We had to cut some corners to cover our costs, and it turns out Visions is a pretty terrible magazine and nobody reads it."
???A recent study commissioned by SA found that students are more likely to use Visions as a doorstop than read its numerous articles about bad fashion tips and the sex lives of ugly girls.
???Several students appeared to be upset about the recent announcements.
???"I can't believe Visions is closing," said Jonathan Flipovicz, a senior English major. "I've been saving them up all year so I can burn them to keep me warm after I graduate, you know, because English degrees are completely useless and everything."
???More students appeared to be upset about the loss of Generation.
???"Those personals are so funny," said Jesse Lackey, a sophomore psychology major. "Now I don't know how to tell the hot blonde in my PSY 3** class that I want to show her what a real Freudian slip is."
???Many other students were also shocked about the loss of the personals section.
???"Where else can I go to express my secret sexual desires about Andrew Blake without anyone finding out?" said SA President Peter Grollitsch. "I guess I'm finally going to have to grow a pair and act on my desires."
???Grollitsch was much less concerned about the future of Visions.
???"What the f*ck is Visions?" Grollitsch said.
???The editorial boards of the two groups had a secret meeting late Tuesday night to discuss a possible collaboration in an attempt to save both magazines.
???The meeting lasted approximately 90 minutes, though Grollitsch and Blake spent about 75 minutes staring passionately into each other's eyes.
???The group seemed to reach a conclusion that the best way to save both publications while making a profit would be to publish 10 pages of personals on fancy glossy paper with advertisements on every other page.
???A few members of the impromptu coalition had concerns about the idea.
???"I don't know if I can make up that many personals and pretend that students actually sent them all in," Blake said.
???Martin also had concerns about the fledgling collaboration.
???"What we really need to consider is, how can we use this to effectively screw the student body without them knowing?" Martin said. "If we can figure that out, then I'm totally on board."
???The proposed publication would allegedly be named "Soulless Devils" and would feature Grollitsch's head encompassing the entire front page and Blake vomiting on the last page.
*April Fool's Issue Disclaimer - The content of this article was published as a "joke" and may contain invalid or false information.
Photo: Courtesy of Laron Fomby
