Blotter

3/23 - Used hypodermic needles were confiscated from an unattended Franco's Pizza box in the Student Union.

3/23 - A person was taken to Millard Fillmore Suburban Hospital after injuring their ankle while pole dancing in The Spectrum office.

3/23 - Jacob Shillman was arrested and charged with embezzlement from Hillel in The Commons.

3/23 - Mirrors were broken in the Alumni Arena men's locker room and a rape was reported after a person sang Barry Manilow songs too loudly in the shower.

3/23 - Dennis Black was fired after bringing food catered from Young Chow to the administration's spring reception.

3/23 - Four sorority girls were taken to the Erie County Medical Center to treat a crabs outbreak.

3/23 - Ariana Principe was arrested and charged with shoplifting at the Salvation Army, trying to complete her hobo chic look without actually paying for it.

3/23 - Used hypodermic needles were confiscated from a urinal in Knox Hall.

3/24 - Two kilos of marijuana were found in the Generation office.

3/24 - Keeley Sheehan was arrested and charged with illegally impersonating Kristin Stewart in Clemens Hall.

3/24 - Daniel Mecca was arrested and charged with theft of an unattended laptop full of Naughty America movies from Lockwood Library. Mecca was caught, fleeing, hand in pants.

3/24 - Ren LaForme was arrested and charged with indecent exposure and referred to Immigration and Naturalization Service for connection with the Bloc Quebecois.

3/24 - Phil Luscok and girlfriend Ela were arrested and charged with conspiracy for starting an Aryan cult with an alleged plan for a "final resolution."

3/25 - A creepy old man stared and drooled at freshman girls in Knox Hall.

3/25 - Andrew Werner was arrested and charged with sexting UB officials in the Center for the Arts. Barbara Ricatta reported the claim.

3/25 - David Sanchirico was arrested and charged with unruly behavior at the UB Bulls basketball game. The charges were dropped after Sanchirico explained he was just cheering in the press box.

3/26 - John Ranic was arrested and charged with theft and lewd behavior with a blow-up doll and Health & Wellness free lube in Peter Scheck's former office.

3/26 - 35 stolen GPS units were found in the Student Association office.

3/26 - Tim Monahan was apprehended with a Taser, arrested and charged with assault after curb-stomping a Spectrum staff writer on Putnam Way.

3/26 - David Jarka was arrested for defecating into the swimming pool at Alumni Arena.

3/26 - An unidentifiable corpse was discovered at the bottom of Lake LaSalle.

3/26 - Chris DiMatteo was arrested and charged with obstruction of justice for dressing up as Batman at Baird Point.

3/27 - Used hypodermic needles were confiscated from the broken French fries machine in Knox Hall.

3/27 - Aaron Moe was arrested and charged with harassment, involving forcibly hitting on every white girl in the Student Union over the last four years. If they're white...he will come.

3/28 - A person refused medical treatment for diarrhea in Flint Village after eating from Sbarro.

3/28 - Garrett Carlson was arrested and charged with stalking a Hayley Williams look-a-like and repeatedly asking her if she wanted to "jomg" in the Student Union.

3/28 - An adult learner was treated for exhaustion in O'Brien Hall basement after searching the entire North Campus for Squire Hall.

3/29 - Dan Mecca was arrested and charged with lurid conduct for violently scratching his genitals in front of a group of small children in the Center for Tomorrow...and writing a prequel to Wrongs Hands.

3/29 - Used hypodermic needles were confiscated from the top of a librarian's desk in the Undergraduate Library.

3/30 - Peter Grollitsch and Andrew Blake were arrested and charged with sodomy in the back of an SA van.

3/30 - Two people were taken to the Erie County Medical Center with multiple injuries after a skateboarder collided with a hackie sack player outside Diefendorf Hall.

3/30 - Matt Mosher was arrested and charged with using heroin in President Simpson's office.

This Police Blotter was a fabrication of The Spectrum staff, brought to you in celebration of April Fool's Day. The rest of the paper is real.

*April Fool's Issue Disclaimer - The content of this article was published as a "joke" and may contain invalid or false information.