Apocalypse 2020

???The secret is out.

???President John B. Simpson and company can keep telling us that it's the university's "plan for achieving enduring academic excellence."???And while that's all well and good, the fact of the matter is that UB 2020 is terrifying.

???The Path to Prominence is really a path to the Apocalypse.

???Don't give in. Those "UB Believers" buttons are only the first step in conformity. We've all seen the movies and read the books (but mostly likely have seen the movies) in which the majority takes up a false cause and it's up to a gritty group of rebels to save us all from ourselves.

???Before you know it, Manhattan will be a prison island. Or firefighters will be starting fires instead of extinguishing them. Or a mutant Kevin Costner will captain a boat, attempting to salvage whatever is left of civilization.

???Simpson may call UB 2020 the "last great hope for Western New York" but how do we know that it's not some great Doomsday device buried deep underneath Founders Plaza?

???I've seen Terminator 2 and I know that as soon as Skynet becomes self-aware, cities start crumbling. That movie (based on a true story, mind you) starts off in the year 2029, when UB 2020 is supposed to be in full swing.

???How are we supposed to know that the UB 2020 plan isn't the first step in designing Skynet? It's completely possible that our leaders and government officials are escorting us off the not-so-proverbial plank. The university is always looking for great technological advancements. And you can't tell me that the university would pass up the opportunity to create cyborgs that looked like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Robert "The Marine" Patrick if they could. UB is a research institution after all, and there's big money in cyborg patents.

???Or maybe UB 2020 isn't some high-tech day of reckoning. It could really an ancient war machine, the wrath of God sealed in a chest, that the university's administration has spent years searching for. Maybe Simpson and Provost Satish Tripathi's trip to India in February was really a decoy for them to truly be like Indiana Jones and unearth the power supply needed to get their great strategic plan off and running.

???Don't open your eyes, Marion, because the future may melt your face off, and take 80 percent of your tuition increase while it's at it.

???These types of things worry me. With the world set to end in 2012 (thank you, ancient Mayan culture), it's a wonder that we're putting so much time and effort into something that won't be completed until all of civilization has already been obliterated for eight years. I've also seen the trailer for 2012 and I know that movie is going to end badly.

???If our only hopes are John Cusack, Woody Harrelson and President Danny Glover, then I don't want to live in a world where a monorail will connect the North and South campuses. I can get by without study boats in the contaminated cesspool that is Baird Lake or "biomass" - whatever the heck that stuff is. Just give students a place to park at 11 a.m. without the risk of getting a $20 ticket and allow them to walk back safely to their dorms at 11 at night.

???We should be praising Gov. David A. Paterson for attempting to delay the plan that may revitalize our community. Paterson isn't exactly sure what UB 2020 is either, and he isn't taking any chances. He wants to nip this thing in the bud before humanoid apes are running our society and the Statue of Liberty serves as a giant buoy. So please keep cutting the budgets, Mr. Governor. It's for your own good.

???The last thing we all want is for the world to turn into a giant Michael Bay movie. And if UB 2020 stays on track, that's exactly what we'll get.

*April Fool's Issue Disclaimer - The content of this article was published as a "joke" and may contain invalid or false information.