WASHINGTON, DC: Following a series of events that seem almost biblical in nature, President Bush today placed the United States under martial law following the past weekend's events in Cape Canaveral, Fla. This follows the White House's declaration of a national state of emergency Monday.
Citing information from a report released by the Centers for Disease Control on Monday, the president made a pledge to halt the spread of what is being commonly referred to as Necro-Animatory Syndrome (NAS) by quarantining the entirety of the Florida Panhandle. This move is seen by many as too little, too late, although President Bush remained optimistic in a statement released today.
"We as Americans will not be defeated by this further threat to our freedom," Bush twanged. "I have every confidence in our brave men and women in the armed forces to contain this threat to our way of life."
Initial reports from this morning indicate, however, that the virus has spread outside of the quarantine zone, possibly due to the ambulatory state of the infected. Though unsubstantiated, there are rumors of infection as far north as Savannah, Ga. and as far west as Tallahassee.
On the Panhandle, the situation is deteriorating rapidly. Due to the overwhelming rush to evacuate the peninsula, traffic has been at a standstill for the past two days. Many Floridians have chosen to abandon their vehicles and make their way out of state on foot. Officials are urging civilians to stay out of large crowds, however, as such situations are ideal for the spread of infection.
In addition, the National Guard is poorly prepared for civilian crowd control on such a large scale, as most of their resources are currently deployed in Iraq.
In today's speech, President Bush stated that there are no plans for a rescue or evacuation until it becomes clear that the quarantine is effective.
"Well, hey, let's be honest, those people are as good as dead anyway," Bush said with a laugh. "I mean, there's Zomb - sick folks everywhere down there, and we sure as heck don't have a cure or anything."
Plans are purportedly in motion to begin a massive troop withdrawal from Iraq, with the aim of controlling the spread of NAS through defensive military action. Many are already calling for preventative attacks on the Panhandle. Vice-President Cheney addressed Congress on Sunday and advocated an immediate nuclear strike.
"Nuke 'em all," Cheney snarled. "They can't be saved; for once this is really the right thing to do. Nuke the f*****s."
Following the declaration of martial law, citizens were instructed via AM broadcasts to return to their homes and seal themselves inside with duct tape and plastic wrap. Citizens were also encouraged to stockpile firearms, food, water and medical supplies.
While specialized emergency plans are currently being drafted, it was leaked by a White House source that the NSA drafted a contingency plan for the ambulatory dead more than two decades ago. It has since been lost.
It is clear however that if an immediate solution to this problem is not found, this country may face its downfall for the first time in history. May God have mercy on us all.
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Photo: Courtesy of Laron Fomby
