How to Recognize Necro-Animatory Syndrome
This is a public service announcement from The Spectrum to the people who are unable to recognize what is, in all honesty, a walking corpse. You know who you are.
Your average sufferer of NAS has adopted a shambling gait. This is probably due to the almost total cessation of brain activity, which results in a shuffling, almost-falling strut, similar to a life-size marionette. A marionette made of hungry dead person. This curious, absolutely-unlike-Thriller-esque movement has its advantages, though, as most of you should be able to outrun even the fastest ambulatory dead, no matter how many garbage plates and Keystones you cram into yourself.
If the gait doesn't do it, the appearance of the walking dead surely will. The virus seems to start the body decomposing, despite its locomotive state. The result is a sallow, sunken appearance to the skin and a general rotting look. If you can't picture that, think of what you look like in the mirror when you have a really horrible hangover. In addition, dead things smell HORRIBLE. If you can't see 'em, you'll smell 'em.
That about covers recognition, to be honest. Look for the walk, then look for the decomposition. Remember, if they aren't decomposing, they're probably just drunk.
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What to Do if You or Someone You Know is Bitten
If you are bitten, or if someone you know is bitten, then that person is going to die. Period. So far the CDC has reported no survivors of the virus that causes Necro-Animatory Syndrome, meaning this virus has claimed over 75,000 deaths in the last week. So it's nothing to be trifled with. If you're bit, accept it, you're on your way out.
This is a perfect example of lessons we can all learn from movies, such as How to Die With Dignity. Dying With Dignity means accepting your fate and working with it. It means you aren't "that guy,"; the guy who gets bit and doesn't tell his friends, and ends up taking a couple people with him when he dies. Don't be that guy.
Instead, take the last few hours of your life and do something worthwhile. Help your uninfected friends, after telling them about your condition. While you're at it, figure out which one of your friends will be taking you out when you turn. Don't make the decision lightly, because a mercy-killing is the greatest act of friendship, period.
If you are in the position to perform a mercy-killing, don't be a wimp, and don't hesitate. I know this sounds heartless, but you have to remember: as soon as they stand up looking crazy-eyed and hungry for long pork, it's you or them.
Photo: Courtesy of Laron Fomby
