University Police were dispatched to the Governors Building Monday night after a frantic emergency call was placed around 7:30 p.m. Officers responded quickly to the scene only to find out they were too late as the "Rick Roll" took its latest victim.
The "Rick Roll" is an Internet fad where instead of linking someone to a certain video on youtube.com, they get re-directed to the hit '80s artist Rick Astley's music video for "Never Gonna Give You Up." As of right now, the "Rick Roll" has taken the lives of at least six UB students, over 240 people worldwide, and a dog.
Buffalo's latest victim Charles "Chachi" Arcola, a sophomore media study major, was found dead nearby his computer screen with an expired YouTube link titled "RickRoll'd."
University Police commissioner James A. Gordon described the situation as "horrific, and as gruesome as anything I have seen in my 35 years on the force."
Arcola's body was limp, with various bruises on his face, and foam around his mouth. But when investigators looked down upon the body, they found his chest ripped open and his heart was torn out.
Commissioner Gordon during his press conference described what usually happens during the "Rick Rolling."
"It starts off with electronic drum beats, which to an average person will bring upon euphoric effects similar to any illegal drug," Gordon said. "Often, the victim would imagine themselves dangling off the side of a roof, but at the last second being saved by a tall man in a sport coat refusing to let them down. But as the song plays on, many of our victims were known to stand up and dance mimicking Mr. Astley's movements from the video."
Gordon then began to choke up a little at the podium, but he continued on.
"Once they begin snapping their hands and shaking their hips, it's already too late," Gordon said. "Convulsions begin, and an aching heart beats so fast it eventually tears through their chest. It's far more gruesome than House Party 3."
Students living in Governors are beginning to fear for their lives, as they know Mr. Astley can strike at anytime, at anyone.
"How am I supposed to sleep at night? Sometimes I get these dreams in the middle of the night, where this red headed man just follows me around in the desert telling me how he's never gonna say goodbye. It's been three weeks, and he hasn't told a lie, but this lack of sleep is hurting me," said Linda Hamilton, a junior computer science major.
Commissioner Gordon understands these fears, and issued warnings on how to avoid being "RickRoll'd."
"These attacks have often been provoked upon people who are no strangers to love," Gordon said. "They seem to know the rules, as does Mr. Astley. When the murder begins, it seems as if Mr. Astley is looking for a full commitment to end the life of his victims."
With UB being a main focus in the ongoing investigation, various older pop stars are throwing their two cents out there on how to stop a fellow one hit wonder.
Craig Reid of The Proclaimers fame stated, "I would walk 500 miles, and I would walk 500 more. Just to be the man who killed the man who brought Rick Astley to your door-or-or."
Not everyone had such a violent approach to solving this crime. Singer Holly Johnson begged, "relax, don't do it."
Nobody knows exactly what Johnson doesn't want you to do, and Frankie was apparently vacationing in Hollywood at the time, having no response to the crimes.
Gordon doesn't want students to worry, though.
"We have our best internet detectives on the case. They take the Internet as serious business. We have MySpace lurkers, Facebook stalkers, all the best we could find."
But that isn't enough for Arcola's girlfriend, Joanie Cunningham.
"He claimed he would never make me cry. He claimed he would never say goodbye. He claimed he would never run around and desert me," Cunningham said. "Well where is Charles, huh? He said we'd be together forever, and now he's dead. I loved Chachi."
Gordon has one thing left to say to the mysterious dancing murderer.
"This is going to end one way or another. I'm going to find you, and put you where you belong. I'm never gonna give you up."
*April Fools Article Disclaimer - This content of this article was
published as a "joke" and may contain invalid or false information.
Photo: Courtesy of Laron Fomby
