Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?

I hate stupid athletes, I hate stupid coaches even more.

Yes, I'm talking about you, Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, Bill Belichick, Marion Jones, Sammy Sosa, Mark McGwire, Diego Maradona, Jos?(c) Canseco, Andy Pettite, Miguel Tejada, Chris Simon, Pete Rose, Ty Cobb, Comodus from Gladiator, and Timmy who cheated me out of student of the month award in second grade.

Each and every one of you are the dumbest people I think I have ever seen in my entire life. What makes you think you guys could cheat in such a simple manner and expect to get away with it? Do you guys think you have the right to cheat while playing professional sports? Take it from the master; if you are going to cross that line, you have to do it right.

Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar? Not me, try to find my fingerprints. Oh wait, you won't, because I used latex gloves when I took the luscious oatmeal raisin invention and put it between my teeth. That's right, Roger Clemens. I hid the evidence, unlike you, who is currently sitting in front of the United States Congress, hoping Mr. Brian McNamee misplaces the syringes he used on your big boy arms.

Oh Bill, where do I start with you? You had the nerve to videotape your opponents' moves from the sidelines like the sneaky devil you thought you were. Sucks to be you now, doesn't it? Eric Mangini called you out like Apollo Creed called out Rocky Balboa. Next time, why don't you open up a history book and turn to the part about the American Revolution. Ever learn about that?

Last time I checked, the American colonists hid behind the trees and picked off the marching soldiers of the British military one by one until there was no one left, or until they retreated. Now Bill, I'm not telling you to hire a professional sniper and take off the heads of Eli Manning and Brandon Jacobs next time you play the Giants. I'm basically telling you to be smart about it. Instead of having one of your guys videotaping the New York Jets while wearing a New England Patriots team pass and a Tom Brady jersey, maybe you should hire some random guy that won't give it away. Hell, invest in those glasses with the cameras in them, which would be pretty James Bond of you. That's how real men do it.

I truly don't understand why some people think that if they do something so drastic, people won't catch on. Barry, you acted like fans weren't catching on after your arms grew to the size of Subway's Jared during the 90s. Think about it this way, when Tara Reid had a breast augmentation, we noticed.

Haven't you ever heard of the idea "do it in moderation?" In high school, if a kid wants to cheat on a test, he isn't going to go steal the answers off his teacher's desk and leave a business card on it. He's going to get a water bottle and write the answers on the back of the label. Harmless.

You guys, on the other hand, find no issue with shooting yourselves up with enough juice to fill up a bathtub, only in one sitting. While you might feel a little woozy, you should still realize that the rest of America isn't naive and will notice each and every vein bulging from your forehead.

Not good enough? Here's an example I hold dear to my heart. While playing Mario Kart 64 on my Nintendo 64, I had no problem shooting through the hole in the cave while racing at Koopa Troopa Beach. While my mortal enemies were racing around the massive rock, I was laughing while my car flew into first place as I traversed through the waterfall. While I might have become a little wet, I still held my dignity.

At the end of the day, who wins? Last time I checked, I still hold my gold trophy that Lakitu gave to me in front of Princess Peach's castle. I stood on the podium proud, knowing I won the game while sneaking through the crevice in the rock. Marion Jones, what do you have? Absolutely nothing. You lost your medals and records, your ability to race, and most importantly, your image, all because of performing enhancing drugs. You stood on that podium for absolutely nothing. Nothing.

When all is said and done, I'm not suggesting pushing for legislation to stop cheating in sports. It's too late for that. As much as it might disgrace sports, it has become a part of the game, like Terrell Owens's stupid touchdown dances. No matter what is done, people will cheat and will sometimes get away with it. It's human nature.

To any athletes who plan on cheating in the future, I hope you realize "Big Brother" is onto you, thanks to some fine individuals who have ruined it for the rest of us. Even a hard punch to your opponent's nether-regions while you're at the bottom of a football pile will be noticed. Be safe. Be smart.

Cheaters never win. What kind of idiot said that?