The Crystal Bulls are a fabricated award ceremony celebrating the University at Buffalo athletics department. The acceptance speeches are completely fictitious.
Voting for the Crystal Bulls was conducted by Alex Rubin (Sports Senior Sports Editor), Joseph Glenn (Sports Editor), Evan Nemeroff (Asst. Sports Editor), Chris Ryndak (Asst. Sports Editor) and David Sanchirico (Staff Writer).
The voters ranked the nominees for the awards; all first place votes received five points, second place votes received four points, and third place votes received three points.
Joe Glenn: "I'd like to welcome everybody to the Fall 2007 edition of the Crystal Bull Awards. We are very honored to bring together the best that Buffalo Sports has to offer."
Alex Rubin: "And the volleyball team."
JG: "Anyways, we would like to thank everyone for their participation, in this first-time event which will hopefully become a twice-annual experience."
AR: "When thinking of names for the awards we went through several choices including, the Golden Bulls and the Blue Bulls, but Crystal Bulls seems to fit."
The nominees for the Crystal Bull for male athlete who most adhered to Turner Gill's credo that Buffalo will be a winning program are
1. Dan Bulley (soccer) - led team with 8 goals and 19 total points, including two game-winners
2. Robert Shuttleworth (soccer) - 12 games played, 48 saves, .800 save percentage, 8-2-2 record, four shutouts, 0.94 average goals against
3. James Starks (football) - With 1,103 rushing yards, and 12 rushing touchdowns. First Bulls' running back in Division I-A era to amass 1,000 yards.
And the Crystal Bull goes to...James Starks
Excerpt from Starks' fictitious acceptance speech: "I'd like to thank Nebraska, for making the bad decision of not hiring Turner Gill, and giving me and my teammates another crack at the MAC championship."
The nominees for the Crystal Bull for female athlete who most adhered to Turner Gill's credo that Buffalo will be a winning program are
1. Mary Veith (cross country) - Finished third overall at the MAC championships, earning All-MAC first team honors.
2. Andrea Lehner (swimming) - leads team in best times for all six different freestyle events, 100 and 200 backstroke, 200 individual medley, and was part of the best team times for three out of five relays
3. Andrea Vescio (soccer) - led team with six goals and 17 points, one game-winning goal 50.9 percent of shots were on goal
And the Crystal Bull goes to...Mary Veith
Excerpt from Veith's fictitious acceptance speech: "Despite all of my achievements, I feel as if swimmer Andrea Lehner deserves this award just as much if not more then me, so in honor of my favorite Saved By the Bell episode where Screech graciously gives up being valedictorian to give it to Jessie Spano, I would like to pass this honor on to Andrea."
Lehner's acceptance speech: "I'm so excited, I'm so excited...I'm...so...scared."
The nominees for the Crystal Bull for the freshman who most helped his team adhere to Turner Gill's credo that Buffalo will be a winning program are
1. Diana Popescu (tennis) - 11-1 singles record, 6-2 doubles record with sophomore Denise Harijanto.
2. Davonte Shannon (football) - Finished first season as a Bull by being named first team All-MAC. Had team high 123 tackles, a school record in the Division I-A era.
3. A.J. Principe (football) - made 15 of 20 field goals, including all 12 from less than 40 yards, season-long was 47.
And the Crystal Bull goes to...Davonte Shannon.
Excerpt from Shannon's acceptance speech: "What are the Crystal Bulls? Coach just told me that I had to show up. Thanks though."
The nominees for the Crystal Bull for top coach who most helped his team adhere to Turner Gill's credo that Buffalo will be a winning program are
1. John Astudillo (men's soccer) - led men's soccer team that featured 14 new players to the MAC Championship game.
2. Turner Gill (football) - won MAC Coach of the Year, led football team to five wins, the most wins in Division I history.
3. Kathy Twist (women's tennis) - players have a 59-15 singles record, with seven players having winning records, team has a 22-9 record in doubles matches.
And the Crystal Bull goes to...John Astudillo
Excerpt from Astudillo's fictitious acceptance speech: "Wow, I didn't I write anything down, I'm so unprepared. I really thought Turner had this in the bag considering the award is named after him. It's great to be recognized in a country that goes out of its way to not recognize you. Cheers mate."
The nominees for the Crystal Bull for team, player or event that caused the biggest surprise are:
1. Turner Gill stays at UB as football head coach - was not named head coach at Nebraska, losing out to Bo Pelini.
2. Volleyball finishes 2-31 (1-15 MAC)
3. Football wins share of MAC East - won most games since 1996. Finished tied for MAC east title, and one game out of contention for a post-season bowl game.
And the Crystal Bull goes to...the football team winning a share of the MAC East. Accepting the award for the team is head coach Turner Gill
Excerpt from Gill's fictitious acceptance speech: "So I guess winning MAC coach of the year doesn't carry as much weight as it used to." (Crowd uproars with laughter) "In all honesty, I am honored to be a part of this team, and these men made me proud this season. Next year we will be even better. I can't wait to get started. Thanks once again."
As ending credits begin to roll, former Bulls' football head coach Jim Hofher fictitiously storms across the stage and grabs a microphone.
Hofher: "I recruited half of this team, but I don't get credit for anything. I know I only won 10 games during my tenure at UB, and Turner's won seven in two years, but he won with my players!" (Hofher breaks into a rendition of "R-E-S-P-E-C-T," and the microphone breaks out.)
(The show fades to commercial.)
John Mellencamp in a Chevrolet commercial: "From the east coast to the west coast, this is our country."
Entire country: "PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!"
Joe Glenn and Chris Ryndak contributed to this article.
Photo: Courtesy of Laron Fomby
