Where in the world is MAR

All the fun days, all the exciting days, are blown away by what happened on Sunday, September 30. The Bills vs. the Jets, Rubin vs. the Goon, alcohol vs. the liver, MAR vs. the world; this, my friends, was tailgate 2007. Of course, I had to keep a running diary of what occurred.

6:00 Alarm goes off.

6:25 Wake up, and curse the world.

6:29 The great debate: to shower or not to shower. In the end the former won, but not without a damn good fight.

7:45 At an apartment, not quite sure whose it is, but the door's open so I let myself in. Luckily, it was the right place.

7:55 Deciding to break the awkward silence of 12 hung-over guys, I ask a random question: "Why do you guys use two quarterbacks every week in fantasy football?" I guess this was a stupid question, because a dude whose name I still don't know says without missing a beat, "Because we have big d*cks."

Well then.

8:25 A guy whom many of us know as the Auburn (don't call it red) Haired Student Union Manager, is the last to arrive. He is 20 minutes late. This is much better than last year when I'm told he showed up at 10:30.

8:27 I get my first look at the beer cooler, one of those large plastic storage boxes. I think that 300 beers would be a low estimate on how many beers were brought to this soir?(c)e.

8:55 MAR update I - When you have 20 drunk guys at a tailgate party, one is going to go a little overboard - it's a fact of life. This year it was MAR. Having left his ticket at home, MAR goes to the Bills ticket office to beg them to print out a new one. They oblige for a five-dollar fee. This turns out to be the turning point of the day.

9:05 The first portion of our feast is on the grill. This would be a good time to mention the menu for the afternoon. The first course is homemade mozzarella-infused burgers, followed by the longest, most phallic-looking kielbasa I have ever seen. This is followed by several sirloin steaks and sausages. Also there were chicken wings and an assortment of cheeses and Doritos. Basically, it was a race to see whose arteries would clog first. All of this food was washed down by beer, Patr??n, and some sort of vodka.

9:25 MAR update number II - He is grilling and complaining that he has not had enough beer yet. Give it time.

9:55 "Rubin, if you don't drink, you're gay." - Ah, who doesn't love close-knit friends? Obviously I had to answer the challenge and took a shot of Patr??n.

9:56 In an attempt to show me up, 60-year old Pappa Doc takes to the floor. He grabs the tequila and takes a quick chug. This was followed by something that can only be described as an Irish jig to make the liquor go down quicker. After which he took a long chug, except this time he drank so much the tequila had no where to go, and he spit it out everywhere. One of the most memorable moments of my life right there.

9:56 This led to the following exchange between father and son:

Goon: "He's going back for seconds!"

Pappa Doc: "That was some smooth tequila."

9:59 Seal has been broken.

10:25 MAR update III- The first edition of Where In The World is MAR begins. MAR is a great chef, having marinated the steaks and made the burgers, yet he randomly disappeared for an hour. At this point, no big deal. But, stay tuned.

10:45 Funnel time!

10:55 MAR Update IV - In other news MAR is back. After what I heard is two funnels in a row from him, Pappa Doc begins to get concerned that MAR may not get into the game because he is too drunk. Obviously no one listens.

11:05 Pappa Doc decides to show us up again with another chug of Patr??n. You haven't lived until you've witnessed 20 college students chanting, "Drink it! Drink it! Drink it!" to a 60-year old man.

(Please get into your DeLorean and fasten your seatbelts. We're going two hours into the future...vroom.)

12:45 Me, Pappa Doc, Goon, and Auburn (don't call it red) Haired Student Union Manager are making our way to the game, and run into MAR. As Pappa Doc was worried about, he was not allowed into the game. To make matters worse they took away his ticket so there were no options of getting him into stadium later. MAR at this point does not know where he is so he walks off. This, later on, would prove to be bad.

14:15 That was the quickest first half of football I have ever seen. The score is still tied at zero. Are we sure that they actually played a game? Both teams' offenses just sucked.

14:40 "The Bills make me want to shout!"- Marshawn Lynch touchdown on Bills first drive of second half. While the crowd was loud, it is not what it used to be. My grandpa had season tickets during the Super Bowl years and would take me to almost every game. I remember the frenzy the crowd would get in, and this definitely was no frenzy.

14:55 The Goon is starting to get a little nervous. You see we made a bet at the beginning of the game. The loser has to wear the opponents' jersey out of the stadium and yell their cheer. I begin to make sure that my Jim Kelly jersey that I have had since I was 12 years old will fit this 6'10" beast of a man.

15:05 The game is close, 10-7 Bills, but I'm not nervous Chad Pennington will find a way to blow this game.

16:00 Speak of the devil, with the game still in doubt Pennington threw two interceptions in the Jets' last three drives of the game, to seal the faith of the 1-3 Jets.

16:10 Bills close out victory against Jets. Both teams are 1-3. Both teams still suck.

16:11 Goon still has not moved and is staring blankly out towards the field.

16:12 Goon is still in a comatose state.

16:13 Beginning to fear for Goon.

16:15 Goon finally snaps out of it, and being the man that he is, puts on his Jim Kelly jersey. The pain present in his eyes brings me great joy.

16:16 MAR update V - Where is MAR? We were hoping that when we got back to car he would be passed out there. No such luck.

16:55 People beginning to bail to go home, yet Goon explains how you never leave a fallen soldier behind.

16:59 "Call 1-800-free-411"

"I did, they hung up on me." Well, you get what you pay for with these things. Unable to contact MAR and unable to get a phone number for the local police precinct, we pack up the car and prepare to head for home until...."Where are my keys." Those dreaded words were bound to happen when there are 20 drunk guys at a Bills game for over 10 hours.

17:15 realizing we have a spare key we head for home. Stuck in traffic we run into a cute young woman who happened to be sitting next to us the entire game. Auburn (don't call it red) Haired Student Union Manager decides this is fate, and his one final chance at true love. He writes his number and name on a piece of paper, with a heart and prepares to hand it to this woman. Sadly we never catch up to the female of mystery. All we know is that she's a Bills fan and from Albany, so if you're reading this column your student union manager is waiting with open arms.

18:00 MAR update VI: Finally home, we notice a taxi pulling up to the driveway and MAR stumbles out. He has no idea what happened to him or his missing cell phone, yet he did manage to keep his wallet and pay 50 bucks for a cab ride home.

So if you're keeping score, that's Bills 1, Rubin 1, and I'll let you know about that liver at a later date.