Those who know me understand that I have been around here long enough, and have been put through enough of UB's athletic heartaches, that you can call me a grizzled veteran. From Turner Battle to Calvin Cage, from Randall Secky to Drew Willy, I have seen it all at UB. Here are the do's and don't's to becoming a real UB fan.
Don't go to ubfan.com. Find a real message board that doesn't hate on the Cage Crazies. (Wait for it... Wait for it... There. The first "I Hate The Spectrum" thread of the school year.)
Do not ask who new men's basketball assistant coach Turner Battle is or ask why all the fans are chanting his name. Just let yourself be taken away by the man the myth the legend. But also, do not let anyone tell you that Turner Battle is the real number 11. He shares that honor with all time leading scorer Rasuan Young.
Prepare yourself for plenty of losses. In fact, go into every sporting event expecting a loss, that way in the rare case of a win, it feels like Chanukah. Well, there's no menorah, or latkes- so maybe Chanukah is not the best analogy. It's more like a Bar mitzvah.... You know what, let's just say it's a nice surprise. And when they lose, which they undoubtedly will, there's always the Steer.
Try to make an annual pilgrimage to Cleveland for the men's basketball Mid American Conference tournament. While you're there remember two simple rules: root for UB, and root for whoever is playing against Ohio.
Also, and here's a big one. Don't rush the court of the MAC championship game when there remains 0.9 seconds left on the clock. Wait until it says 0.0, and make sure that there is no rebound that is being tapped in. Please just trust me on this; it will save a whole lot of embarrassment.
Speaking of rushing the court, another major don't, and this I must stress, DO NOT RUSH THE FOOTBALL FIELD WHEN YOU JUST DEFEATED THE WORST TEAM IN DIVISION I FOOTBALL. It's just tacky, plus Jim Rome tends to make fun of that kind of stuff.
Go to basketball games. It is much more fun to harass and heckle an opposing player when they can actually hear you. One fun thing to do at women's basketball games is to propose marriage to an opposing player. This of course is followed by serenading her with a sweet rendition of "I love you baby."
Do not wear any color except for white or blue to a Bulls game, I don't care if pink is the new blue. We're not red sox fans here.
Do not paint yourself blue and white for a big home game, if you do not plan on painting yourself for 200 consecutive games like the one and only painted kid. It would only disgrace his legacy.
If you value your life, don't look the wrong way at an event staff member. They are armed with walkie-talkies. They are serious and they will seriously kick you out.
Do not ever ask which UB player is going pro. It's just not happening, unless you count the time that Gerald Green used Bulls legend Mark Bortz as a springboard.
Do know that whenever you read my columns you will see plenty of references to my two favorite movies which are the Mighty Ducks and Cool Runnings, and my favorite UB athlete of all time is Calvin Cage.
Don't let anyone tell you that Yassin Idbihi was not the best big man to play for UB since the Bulls became Division I....again.
Don't go up to athletic director Warde Manuel and sing the Notre Dame fight song. I think the defensive tackle inside of him may emerge if so provoked.
Photo: Courtesy of Laron Fomby
