Super Bowl Sunday is probably the manliest day of the year.
Twenty-four hours straight of football pre-shows and post-shows well into the wee hours of the morning. Endless amounts of food and beer. Parties at the bar or at home on the lazy boy. No matter where they are, lots of yelling at the TV as if they have control over the game - all mandatory elements to make this culmination of manhood as blissful as possible.
Women are allowed to join in only if they agree not to ask a lot of dumb questions about who invented football and why that one guy says, "hike" every time the whistle blows.
I have probably never watched a game of football in my entire life. Hockey and baseball, these are sports I can understand, but watching a game in which overweight men try to knock each other over while wearing little muscle pants and lots of equipment sounds far from entertaining.
If I want to watch people knock each other over I can stay home and watch my little sisters duel it out over a Hilary Duff CD, or spend the day in The Spectrum office watching the sports editors challenge each other to a wrestle match at the tree line outside of the Student Union.
While out to dinner with the predominantly male Spectrum staff Friday evening, it became very apparent to me what it means to be a man. Super Bowl Sunday and sports are only the beginning.
Men are the steak and potatoes of life and would never be seen sipping on "chick" drinks like Mike's Hard Lemonade. They must draw attention to themselves with loud burps, drumming on the table and bad mouthing all things and people who are decidedly "un-manly." It is especially manly to order a large appetizer and flirt with the waitress; bonus points if they get her number.
Flatulence is equally manly, the smellier and louder the better. Additionally, it is important to shower only when absolutely necessary - one of the many perks of being a college hoodlum. Hoodies need only be washed once a month, regardless of the amount of stains on them. Hats are not only a fashion statement they serve to cover up that mat of greasy hair.
Fishing, hunting and grilling (with the proper stance of feet planted three feet apart) are past times of only the manliest men, all others may be dangerously considered effeminate. All of the above activities must take place with a plastic cup of beer in one hand.
Pretending to have an expert knowledge of cars and trucks, regardless of whether or not they do, especially in the presence of the opposite sex, goes without saying. He must have a collection of power tools in the garage, even if he never uses them. Increasing the volume of one's voice is assumed to mean their argument is better.
Men who are members of the service, past or present, have an inflated sense of manliest, regardless of whether or not they actually are. Those with "war injuries" are members of the manliest men in the world club, even if it was gained mowing the lawn. The story of how the injury in question was obtained is always a long, exaggerated story involving a hairy mountain lion.
Enjoying and following every sport, with the exception of tennis, swimming, volleyball and gymnastics, is a must. A man who joins a group of men already watching a game on TV should never ask who is playing, but asking the score is allowed.
A manly man never runs out of excuses and has a way of bargaining his way out of anything. He has his own theme song, usually country or punk rock. He enjoys being cold and never has enough leg room.
Control over the remote makes him feel powerful. The neighbor must always be outdone. The best things in life are jumbo sized for men. This includes meals, cars, televisions and clothes. Hot sauce must be incorporated into every meal.
The manliest of men need not pick up after themselves - or clean, and then only if Mom is making a special visit to the bachelor pad. Only their dearest items, like their baseball card collection or tool shed, are flawlessly organized and drool free.
They don't do "the family reunion thing" unless black mailed. Sports radio is their station of choice in the car. Every man should know how to play, and win, at poker.
The ability to grow a beard is a distinguishable characteristic to be displayed with pride. Putting an arm around their girl in public not only makes her happy, but also marks their territory. No need to respond in full sentences when someone addresses them, one-word answers will do just fine. Grunting and high fives are also good substitutes for language.
And so, fellow women, as annoying as the hype around Super Bowl Sunday may be, take heart. Perhaps, on this, the manliest day of the year, they will reach their quota of manliness for the other 364.
